


baby, how's your day?

by dankobah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dom/sub, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Mental Health Issues, Soft Ben Solo, based on a prompt, self care hours
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:06:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22182274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dankobah/pseuds/dankobah
Summary: Rey asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?”Jannah gets up and joins Rose to dry dishes and Rey hates that they’re avoiding her and cleaning up her messes.  Rey stands up and storms to her bed, beginning to make it. “Do you know how Jannah and I got together?”Rey’s heard this story a million times, but Rose goes on anyway, “My parents had just died and it depressed me.  Like couldn’t eat, work, get out of bed. I met Jannah on a seeking femdom page on Reddit and she was the first person to tell me to get my ass out of bed and take a shower, instead of asking for a picture of my tits.”Rey doesn’t get the point to the story and Rose clarifies,“Ben Solo could be your soft, depression dom.”or“Rey posts an advertisement asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at a reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”
Relationships: Jannah/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 454
Kudos: 688
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. it's so excruciating to see you low

**Author's Note:**

> tags  
> mental health issues  
> depression  
> food eating  
> dom/sub dynamics

Life is hard when you’re depressed.

Most of her generation would know that to a T, the predisposition to shitty mental health can be blamed on a lot of factors. Rey can’t afford therapy so identifying which factors that can affect her is like sticking a hand into a box of razor blades and pulling out really fast.

It’s day seven without washing her hair, and the emails are stacking up. She doesn’t exactly remember what caused this episode. Was it dreaming of her foster father? Losing an important freelance assignment to another? Or something simple like the weather, given that it’s been rainy in Austin all week? Whatever it is, it has her in a major slump where she only wants the company of her Hitachi wand and her bed. She’s not even going to class the past three days, faking the flu.

Something has to change, that much is obvious as she watches the umpteenth vlog of couples traveling while happily in love. Her phone vibrates on the nightstand and Rey stares at it, as she has for the fifth time that day. Then she mumbles to herself, “Should answer that.”

Should she? She’s reaching for it anyway and answering it, making a point not to stare at the caller ID and picking it up. 

“Hey, stranger.” Jannah’s voice comes over the line and Rey sighs.

“Hey.”

There’s noise in the back and Rey finds it irritating beyond belief, unwilling to hang up. This would be the first human contact in days. “Rose is making me check on you. Are you all right?”

What a loaded question? Rey is honest, “Not really. I’m really…”

She doesn’t finish and sighs, rubbing her pimply forehead and cringing to herself. So much for perfect skin this month. “I’m not doing too hot.”

“What can Rose and I do?” Rey really doesn’t want Rose or Jannah to waste their precious time on her. It seems horrifying to take up space like that.

Then Rey blurts, “I’m just overwhelmed with everything. That’s all.”

Jannah hums, “That’s understandable. Why don’t you start out with taking a shower, Rose and I will head over when you’re out?” Someone telling her to shower kicks her in the ass, enough to stand up out of bed and feel a little light-headed.

“If you need to sit in the shower just to get in it, then do it.” 

Rey croaks, “Okay. I feel a little light-headed.”

“You should eat something too. How long since you’ve last eaten?”

She doesn’t remember, and Rey realizes at that moment that she’s starving. “Rose and I will bring you food if you’ll let us.”

Rey hates accepting help from people but she takes the leap. “Please.”

“Will do. I will let you go, let me know when you’re out of the shower.” 

Rey is grateful, “Okay. Thank you, Jannah.”

“Anytime.”

Rey hangs up and puts her phone back on the charger, looking around her messy studio apartment. She must pick up a little before they come over, and Rey walks to her bathroom to turn on the tap.

Last-minute, she decides on a bath in the clawfoot tub. It’s more soothing supposedly, and she pours the bubble solution in the tub’s bottom and gets undressed. She is bold and checks her phone again for all that she’s missed in her three days of silence. 

Far too much. But one notification catches her eye, and it’s Rose’s friend Ben. He works at a tech start-up, so typical Austin. The text is simple.

* * *

**| Ben Solo - Tuesday , 11:09 AM |**

Checking in on you.

* * *

Her eyebrows furrow at the concern, so untypical. She and Ben have only met twice before and Rey is a little daring. Forgetting it’s a workday for most people, she calls him.

The phone rings once, twice, thrice, before someone picks up on the other side and asks, “Hello?”

Rey swallows down her fear, “It’s Rey. Thanks for checking in.”

He hums and lets out an “ah” noise before, “Rose asked me to. She was a little desperate there. Sorry if it was actually annoying.”

She’s fixing to hang up, “It’s all right, it means a lot. I just wanted to say that, I guess-”

“Are you okay?”

What’s with the landmine questions today? Rey bites her lip before answering, “Not really. Everything is overwhelming but I’m about to get in the bath and forget all of it.” 

“That’s a good coping strategy. God knows I do the same.” She snorts, trying to imagine his large body in a bathtub. The few times that Rey has met him, she’s had to look up at him. Sure, the thought would entice if her libido weren’t entirely dead.

“Why don’t you eat something too?” He’s reading all the signs she’s unstable and working with them.

Rey plays along, “Rose and Jannah are coming over with food.”

“Eat something small for now.” He has a point, and she can’t believe she’s thoroughly taking his advice and walking to her teeny kitchen. She rifles through a cabinet and picks up the last granola bar.

She announces, “I got a chocolate chip granola bar.” 

“Very nice. Now munch on that in your bath. Can I do anything for you?” 

Is he asking to help? A man who barely knows her? She’s tempted to say yes, but she shakes her head to herself, “I’m okay. I have to go though.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll see you-”

“Rey?” 

She stops and switches tact, “Yes?”

He says, “Thanks for calling. I’m glad you’re doing better.”

Her heart constricts and her throat tightens. “Thanks. Talk soon.” Then she hangs up, taking a gasp for air and ripping open her granola bar to eat. Why did she get a little exhilarated when he approved of what she was doing?

It’s not something to assess now, and she walks back to strip off and get in the tub. 

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

Rose and Jannah bring chicken and waffles, which makes for a delicious depression meal.

Rey practically rips into it, drizzling gooey syrup on the fluffy waffles and dipping her chicken in it. The salt and sweet allow her brain to feel a little better, and she’s grateful for Jannah’s care. Rose is cleaning the apartment, even after Rey insisted she leave it for her.

Jannah chances, “So you talked to Ben today?” Rey keeps chewing.

“Yeah. He texted me during the dark period at Rose’s insistence.”

Rose turns around, “I didn’t talk to him about you.”

“Hilarious, Rose.”

“No, I’m serious. Did Ben Solo check on you?” Rey feels anxiety set in and she stares at her phone. 

Rose scoffs, “That’s so fucking Ben. Jesus.”

Rey asks, “What do you mean?” Jannah is chewing on her lip, signifying that she is out of the conversation. 

Rose scrubs a dish, “Well Ben is like...a super dom. Like more than me.”

Dom? What does sex have to do with this? “He just made me feel better and told me to eat-”

Jannah rationalizes, “Sounds like you need a Ben Solo in your orbit, then.”

Rey asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jannah gets up and joins Rose to dry dishes and Rey hates that they’re avoiding her and cleaning up her messes. Rey stands up and storms to her bed, beginning to make it. “Do you know how Jannah and I got together?”

Rey’s heard this story a million times, but Rose goes on anyway, “My parents had just died and it depressed me. Like couldn’t eat, work, get out of bed. I met Jannah on a seeking femdom page on Reddit and she was the first person to tell me to get my ass out of bed and take a shower, instead of asking for a picture of my tits.”

Rey doesn’t get the point to the story and Rose clarifies, “Ben Solo could be your soft, depression dom.”

Rey laughs, “First-”

“Think about it, he could tell you to eat three meals a day with no strings attached, and send pictures of his cock whenever you want them.” 

“I don’t know if I would want that-”

“You need someone to care about you, Rey.”

That stops her in her tracks, and Rey swallows down a lump in her throat. That’s her deepest shame: needing people. “If there’s anyone I would approve of this for this, it would be Ben.”

Rey stares at her cellphone, weighing her options. “You guys would discuss like mature adults what you’d need out of him, but you’re both lonely. Give it a shot.”

_ Give it a shot. _

What’s the worst that could happen?

“Fine, I’ll call him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new fic, new fic, new fic. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> work title is inspired by ["say my name" by hozier](https://open.spotify.com/track/2xbuycY0MolcTZGENc4PuK?si=1G6M3tNXSOmU8aGC7eQnCg), chapter title is inspired by ["afterglow" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOq9J4dprvU).


	2. you're so golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It rings thrice before he picks up, a little breathless. “Rey?”
> 
> “Yeah, it’s me. I ate chicken and waffles and I feel infinitely better.” She plays with the hem of her shirt. 
> 
> “Very good-”
> 
> “Can I ask you something kinda weird?”
> 
> **or**   
>  **“Rey posts an advertisement asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at a reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> mental health issues  
> depression  
> mention of food and eating  
> very soft dom/sub dynamics  
> discussion of bdsm

Rey excuses herself to call him, stepping out onto her small balcony. It’s a perk that comes with the place and she breathes in the fresh air as she listens to the phone ring. 

It rings thrice before he picks up, a little breathless. “Rey?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I ate chicken and waffles and I feel infinitely better.” She plays with the hem of her shirt. 

“Very good-”

“Can I ask you something kinda weird?”

Ben clears his throat before mumbling, “Yes.” 

“Would you say that you have your life together enough to take care of another life?” She knows that she’s being convoluted and Rey hates herself for it.

“I would say that I could definitely take care of a kid, not full-time-”

She interrupts, “God no, not kids. I meant that, um...if I asked you to remind me to eat, exercise, and set my bedtime, would you?”

Rey hears Rose laugh from inside and she hopes it’s not at her. She feels awkward as hell. He speaks, “You want me to remind you to do all of that?”

She confesses, “Rose says you’re a dom, and she also said that she never asked you to check up on me. I’m sure you care about me some amount and I need someone to care about my wellbeing.”

Her rant feels childish, and he’s silent for a long moment.

Then, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll do it. You want me to text you?”

She actually has to think about this now, and Rey swallows. “I guess? I would also like someone to call before bed.”

“Why?”

She feels a little embarrassed and answers sheepishly, “I don’t enjoy feeling alone before I sleep.”

She can almost hear his nod, “Okay, that’s fine. How hard do I push you? Like for instance, can we use a safe word or can you tell me when you need to be left alone?” 

He’s making good points and she answers, “I can tell you when I need space.”

“Good. This is a little unorthodox for me, given that I’m used to whipping subs until they cry.” Her stomach tightens up at that and she chokes. 

“I’m not saying that can’t happen, just not yet-” What is she saying? She’s never been involved in a dom/sub dynamic.

He interrupts, “Sweetheart, it’s fine. We take things at your own pace.” Thank god.

She still speaks, “Good because I’m too tender for pain right now.” Her depression brings about joint pain more often than not and she’s feeling the stiffness in her neck.

“What time do you want your bedtime to be?” 

She hums in thought, “Midnight?”

He urges, “Eleven.”

She settles, “Eleven-thirty.”

“Okay but that means in bed, lights off and phone on the charger.” She rolls her eyes to herself.

A bedtime is necessary for her. “Fair enough.”

Silence overtakes the phone call before he speaks again, “So what time should I text you tomorrow?”

Rey answers, “Nine. I go to class at eleven.”

“Do you have anything to eat for breakfast?”

“No.” Rey watches one of her neighbors take their garbage out and he sighs.

“What’s your address?”

She furrows her brows, “Why?”

“I was going to order your groceries. Consider it me doing my dom duties.”

She rubs her chest, “Oh, I can just get something on the way to class. It’s no big deal.”

He hums, displeased. Rey takes that opportunity to jet, “I’ve got to go. I’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow after class.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

What she wants is unorthodox, to say the least. He’s not used to the no sex part of a dominant/submissive dynamic, given that he’s very casual in his encounters. He thrives on FetLife on this city and finds plenty of beautiful women to torture in the name of pleasure.

He wakes up at seven to work out so he’s right on time to text her at nine. Wording the text is the hardest part, and he racks his brain as he drinks his protein shake while getting ready for work. He owns several startups, one of the newer ones being an app that connects to a water bottle that lights up to remind you to drink water. 

It’s why he moved to Austin, tired of the cold New York City winters and opting for something much milder. Rey must be here for university, but he doesn’t know much about her besides the tidbits that Rose has filled in.

He eventually texts her, a teensy bit later than he wants.

* * *

**| Ben - 9:03 AM |**

Good morning! Remember to drink a bottle of water this morning, eat some breakfast, and head to class.

* * *

That was painless.

She texts back quickly.

* * *

**| Rey - 9:05 AM |**

good morning! got any time to be on the phone?

* * *

He looks at his watch and nods to himself, dialing her number and putting her on speaker as he cleans his blender.

Rey picks up with a yawn that morphs into a chipper voice, “Hello.”

“Hey. Sorry if you hear any noise, I’m getting ready to go into the office.” He turns off the sink and flips the blender upside down to dry.

“Ah, I’m debating on staying in bed.”

He instantly says, “You can’t, you have class.”

She sighs, and he hears her shift on top of her sheets, “I’ve missed so much already-”

“Which is why you need to go and just listen. Also maybe have a conversation with your professors?” He’s done the college grind plenty, he understands what sort of stress she’s under.

“You’re unfortunately correct. I need to talk about work missed.” 

“So go do that. What time do you get out of class?”

“Around four-thirty. Why?”

He chances, “I thought maybe I could pick you up and we could go grocery shopping together. I need to go.” Spending time with her in a wholesome setting should be allowed, right?

“That sounds like fun. Meet me at the San Jacinto parking garage at around five. Do you have room in your car for a bike?” 

He replies, “I have a bike rack I can put on the back of the car.” 

She sounds a bit relieved, “That’ll work. I have to go though, I want to email my professors and set up meetings if I can.”

He smiles to himself, “I’ll let you go. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

“No problem, sweetheart.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Class isn’t bad. Sure, it could’ve gone better, but she dropped off the face of the Earth for three days with the “flu”. 

She has a ton of makeup work and the feelings of being overwhelmed come back as she rides her bike to the parking garage to meet Ben. Her bike is electric blue with a basket and a cushy and comfy white seat. It looks like something out of a barbie fantasy, which is why she painted it that way after picking it up from the junkyard. A free bike that she has to fix is more than fun.

It’s been good to her, all through college. She stops outside the parking garage and checks her phone to see a text from Ben.

* * *

**| Ben - 4:58 PM |**

On the second level, the car is in idle. Black BMW.

* * *

Did she really manage to net a dom with a BMW? Good for her, and she walks her bike up to the second level of the parking garage, seeing a black car idling in a space. Carefully leaning her bike against the car next to his, she taps on the passenger window to get his attention. He’s reading a book, and there’s a gift bag in the passenger seat.

He gets out of the car and they meet at the trunk, Rey looking up at him given he’s so imposing. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“How was class?” Rey studies his face, his prominent nose and sharp and shaved jaw. There’s a scar that cuts from his brow down his cheek and neck, and Rey never asks the cause of scars.

“Um, could’ve been better. I don’t want to think about it.” Thank god today is Friday, and she’s glad she won’t have to go back until Monday.

“That’s fine. Let me put your bike up.” She gestures to it behind her and he rolls it toward himself, clipping it into the rack. Rey watches him and claps when he finishes successfully.

“Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Does Whole Foods sound good to you? We’ll go anywhere you want.” He would eat Whole Foods.

“Trader Joes is my preferred.” The prices are better and she likes the atmosphere more. It’s also the only place she can get sriracha popcorn. 

“Then Trader Joes it is. Come on, I have something for you in the car.” Rey adjusts her backpack on her shoulder and walks to the passenger side. Moving the gift bag out of the way so she can sit down, then pulling it in her lap and setting her backpack at her feet. The car is fancy and high tech, and Ben gets in the driver’s side.

“Alright, open it up.” He’s putting the car into reverse and a backup camera comes on, and she smiles to herself as she opens the gift bag.

The water bottle looks simple enough but feels weightier. “Right now I own a startup for digital water bottles that connect to your phone and remind you to drink water. I figured I would eliminate the need to tell you to drink water.”

It makes her giggle, and she turns it every which way to examine it. It’s a pretty pink color, and she nods to herself, “Thank you, it means a lot.”

“No problem. I’ll help hook it up to your phone at home if you want.” Rey nods and sets the gift bag in the backseat, unzipping her backpack and shoving the water bottle in and getting out her wallet. 

He drives carefully and waits in traffic silently, soft jazz music on in the background. Rey enjoys the silence and rests her eyes, before Ben speaks, “Did you make a list?”

“For groceries?” Ben nods and Rey shrugs.

“Sort of. I know I’m forgetting some stuff but my memory is such shit.” 

He offers, “I can give you suggestions if you would like.”

“That’s okay, I’ll remember when we get there.” He’s pulling into the parking lot as she says it, and turns into a space. Rey looks over at him and watches him pull a paper list from his pocket. 

They get out of the car and walk into the store, Ben grabbing a cart on the way. He heads for produce and she watches him pick out leafy vegetables. Luckily the cereal and granola are in the same area and she picks out chocolate puffs and puts them in the cart. Then she grabs a box of granola and tosses it in the cart.

They shop in silence mostly, moving from aisle to aisle and keeping their purchases separate. “You know, the honey yogurt would be good.” He leans against the cart and she bites her lip.

“You’re right.” She picks up the honey yogurt, and he smiles at her. She blushes as they go to the bread, and Rey grabs sandwich bread. He grabs a sprouted loaf himself.

Eventually, they finish up and Rey’s purchases are separate from him. They get to the checkout lane, and Ben walks in front of her. “Get all of it.”

“I thought-”

“Let me buy your groceries. It’s the least I can do.” 

A smile graces her face as the checkout person scans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so soft, so sweet. leave a comment, those make my week. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["golden" by harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W5CI9DxZr8)
> 
> [what does ben drive?](https://www.bmwusa.com/vehicles/x-models/x5/sports-activity-vehicle/overview.html)  
> [what is trader joes](https://www.traderjoes.com/)


	3. and i know you like your space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey hums in thought. His company would be nice, but she’s exhausted and has so much to do. She is realistic, “No alcohol tonight, but cooking sounds appealing. Do you mind if I do other stuff while you do that?” Rey has schoolwork she needs to get done, along with some cleaning.
> 
> He nods. “No problem. I’ll just ask you questions if I can’t find something.”
> 
> **or**
> 
> **“Rey posts an advertisement asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at a reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags:  
> mental health  
> dom sub shit

Putting away her groceries is a quick process with him, given he listens like a hawk to her directions (or lack thereof for some items). 

Ben is folding up the paper bags in her tiny kitchen, looking larger than life in her studio apartment. Rey wonders, idly, if he could fit in her bed with her. She doesn’t have the libido to test that theory today, or the patience to get him into her bed under the pretense of _vanilla_ sex. She’s definitely not ready for the hard stuff yet.

She wonders, idly, if he would fuck her. No one wants a depression soaked girl in their orbit, no sane person.

Ben hums. “So.”

She sits on her bed and smooths out the covers on her mattress. “I can either order you dinner and fuck off, or I can cook you something and we could open up this two-buck chuck.” He gestures to the wine bottle.

Rey hums in thought. His company would be nice, but she’s exhausted and has so much to do. She is realistic, “No alcohol tonight, but cooking sounds appealing. Do you mind if I do other stuff while you do that?” Rey has schoolwork she needs to get done, along with some cleaning.

He nods. “No problem. I’ll just ask you questions if I can’t find something.” He’s rolling up his sleeves of his black henley and she can stare at the veins of his forearms. Rey inhales deeply and nods as he turns around to look in her fridge. He’s taller than it so he has to bend down, and Rey wonders how the fuck she netted this gig.

She leaves him to his devices and vice versa. Rey picks up laundry, throwing it in the basket and then vacuuming the floor with the old vacuum in her hall closet. She repaired it herself. Then after that, she makes her messy bed while smelling the fragrant garlic and hearing the sizzle of chicken on her skillet. 

She lays down on top of the covers, face first and sighing heavily in pure tired energy. 

He asks after a while, “You had a long day, huh?”

She nods, sitting up and pulling her backpack close to her to rifle through the contents for her laptop. She has work to do. “Me too.”

Ben walks toward her with a plate of food, which turns out to be chicken and broccoli. She likes things to be simple and filling, and he gets it completely. “Thanks.” She takes the plate and the fork, cutting a piece with the side. Then she puts it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. It’s probably one of the most flavorful pieces of meat she’s eaten and she looks up at him. 

“This is delicious.” Ben looks proud of himself. 

“When you’re on a meal plan, you usually stick with the same shit.” He dishes up his own portion and there’s some left in the pan. She’s grateful he’s made her a meal with the groceries he bought her, and she doesn’t know how she might repay him.

He sits down on the floor in front of her, the plate on the wood and eating carefully. Rey is ravenous as she always is, and he watches her eat. Thankfully, he doesn’t comment. She finishes before him and she gets up, putting her plate in the sink and dousing it in soap so she doesn’t get seconds.

Then she begins putting the chicken in tupperware, and he asks, “You want me to set up your water bottle?” Oh yeah, the fancy schmancy glow thing. Rey digs her phone out of her pocket and opens it up, handing it over to him and watching him like a hawk as he goes into her settings and goes to the app store.

“The app is free.” He downloads it when she nods to give her permission. Then he opens the app and bluetooth connects the pink and glowing bottle. 

“So I recommend charging it overnight, and it’ll last you throughout the day for sure. Here, I’ll have you friend me on here so I can see your consumption.” She rolls her eyes and goes back to putting food in tupperware, humming to herself.

“Do you have a Brita?” 

“What’s that?”

“You’re fucking kidding me.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and Rey moves out of the way of the sink, putting the tupperware in the fridge. He fills the water bottle and caps it, holding it out to her.

“It’s a water filter. Do you know how bad tap water is for you?” 

She shrugs while taking the bottle and he sighs. Rey defends herself, “To be fair, I didn’t grow up with any semblance of clean water and I’m doing just fine.” 

Ben snorts, and she sips from the bottle, then capping it again and watching it glow. Ben holds out her phone, and she’s consumed two ounces. “Keep it up, I want you at sixty by the time the night is done.”

“Sounds like slow drowning.” She wanders back to the bed and sips more water, watching the ounce count update to six. She could do that ten times, he’s challenged her now. Ben looks around her apartment before at her.

Rey lays back, dragging her laptop from the backpack. “Do you want me to head out?”

She looks over at him before biting her lip, “Um, I have a lot of schoolwork to get done so unless you want to see me do that-”

“Say no more. It was a pleasure to shop with and make dinner for you.” Rey is shocked that he’s not offended, and he is twirling his car keys around his finger.

“Should I walk you down?” 

He glances back with a smile, the first one she’s seen from him all day. “Nah, I’ll find my way. Get your schoolwork done and let me know if you want to do anything this weekend.” Maybe she’ll feel like a human this weekend but given that today is Thursday, she’s got little hope. 

She nods, and he heads out of her apartment. “Bye, Ben.”

There’s a lump in her throat; people leaving is always the hardest.

Ben responds, “Bye, Rey.” 

Then he shuts the door, and she breathes in and out. 

She’ll survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short update because im not feeling up to par. leave a comment, those are cool i guess. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["push my luck" by the chainsmokers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj1T_rYbSlk)


	4. should i have known that you would take hold and never let go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That doesn’t freak her out, in a fucked up way. Being needed, for a girl who does the needing, is a welcome change of pace. She doesn’t care about asking, “We’re going to The Lost Lei if you want to meet up.”
> 
> Ben asks, “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude-”
> 
> “Ben, please come.”
> 
> **or**
> 
> **“Rey posts an advertising asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> alcohol consumption  
> drunk characters  
> mention of sex while intoxicated

Rey feels better on Saturday night, enough that she wants to go out on the town. It’s been two weeks since a good bar crawl and she can’t think of anything better than liquor to soothe the burn of two days of classes.

Rose and Jannah come with her on her adventure, and they’re all pre-gaming in the couple’s shared apartment. “Take another shot, Rose.” Rey is pouring it while filming it for Instagram stories, then focusing the camera on Rose who’s sucking face with Jannah. She ends the story, then posting it.

Normally she wouldn’t give a single shit about social media while she’s depressed, but she’s tipsy and sometimes it’s fun to see people’s curated lives. Rey knows she’d much rather live in her social media life than her actual one.

Rey sets her phone on the counter and takes the tequila shot, sucking on the lime after and making a sour face in the reflection of the microwave. Jannah laughs and Rose is wiping gloss off her lips. “Should I call the Uber?” Rey’s bike sits in the living room, since Rose doesn’t trust chains since her sophomore year when she got three bikes stolen on campus. 

Rey asks, “What bar are we going to?” She adjusts the hem of the leaf printed shirt dress she wears, vans on her feet. 

Jannah answers while typing, “The Lost Lei.” She nods and flips over her phone again, seeing a missed call from Ben.

“I’ve got to make a quick call.”

“Uh oh, in trouble with sir?” Rose waggles her brows and Rey sticks out her tongue, walking to Rose’s office to sequester herself. She calls him back and waits.

Ben picks up with, “Going out?”

She hums, “Yes. Everything all right?”

Ben clears his throat awkwardly. Then, “I just wish I was with you. Keep you safe. I don’t know.”

That doesn’t freak her out, in a fucked up way. Being needed, for a girl who does the needing, is a welcome change of pace. She doesn’t care about asking, “We’re going to The Lost Lei if you want to meet up.”

Ben asks, “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude-”

“Ben, please come.”

Then she blurts, “Make sure I don’t drink too much.”

Ben pauses in thought. “Okay. Do you want me to pick you guys up?” 

“No, it’s better if you just surprise us.” She knows that Jannah isn’t the warmest towards boys being involved in their trio plans, but Rose will sway her because it’s Ben.

Rey scratches the back of her neck and Jannah calls, “Uber is here!”

Ben seems to hear it, “Text me when you get there. I’ll let you go.”

“Wait, Ben?”

He stops, the line is silent. Rey bites her lip and sighs, “Thanks for being here. It helps more than you know.”

“It’s my pleasure to take care of you. Now don’t get in too much trouble.” The line goes dead, and she smooths out her dress once more, walking back into the living room and smiling at Rose adjusting her breasts in the floor-length mirror.

Everything is normal, the dread is gone for now, and she’s ready for a fun night.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

She texts him after thirty minutes.

* * *

**| Rey - 9:06 PM |**

we’re here, you’re gonna hate this place lmao 

* * *

Ben is ashamed to admit he spends most of that time pacing around, waiting for the text like a hyena in a nice dress shirt and slacks. He’s off from work and hasn’t bothered to change, and he wonders if he should’ve opted for a tee.

He doesn’t want to be late, so he leaves after he texts back.

* * *

**| Ben - 9:08 PM |**

I’m sure I will, based on the fact that Lei is in the title. I’ll be there soon.

* * *

He makes sure he has his keys, water, and wallet. Then he leaves the apartment, locking up. It’s a fifteen-minute walk to the bar and parking is hell, so he opts to enjoy some city life and wander his way over there.

The walk is pretty peaceful and uneventful. He pets a feisty yorkie, scratching the pup on the head while it’s tied outside of a cupcake shop. Ben contemplates stopping for a gin and tonic at his favorite pub on the way there but he’s got Rey on his mind.

He wishes they weren’t such a complicated thing to exist. This limbo of platonic and paternal, mixed with a bit of big boyfriend energy. They haven’t fucked nor kissed but god he wants to. Not even the rough stuff either, he’d go very tender with someone like her.

Rey is hurting. That much is obvious and now is not the time for him to make her think he’s trying to rescue her. He’s helping her float, helping her eat and drink, encouraging her to go to class. 

He reaches the bar, and she’s right: he hates the tiki theme. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, he walks into the bar.

Rose, Jannah, and Rey sit at a high top table and Rey spots him first. She taps Rose, who looks up from a drink menu and spots him. 

Rose is one of his mother’s proteges, having interned under her and met Ben in her senior year of her undergrad. Ben had been a dick then, and they hated each other, but eventually they grew on each other with time like a weed. She’s one of his only friends in this city, besides Poe.

He walks over to their table, standing in front of them and trying not to look sheepish at Jannah’s annoyed expression. Rey is reaching out to grab his sleeve and he lets her, and she pulls him closer while looking up at him with a big smile and glassy eyes.

Is she high? Her eyes look a little bloodshot too and he looks her dead in the face and asks, “You okay?”

Rey nods quickly, still smiling. “Just um,” she hiccups, “drunk. Feels good though.” Then she looks back to Rose and Jannah. Rose seems to connect the dots that he’s here to be effectively Cerberus for Rey. 

Rose asks, “How are you, Ben?” 

Ben makes an _uh_ noise before shrugging. “I’m all right. Long week, excited it’s over.” Rey looks up at him and she then takes another long drink from some god-awful pink concoction.

He leans down to whisper in her ear, “What’s that, sweetheart?” She giggles. 

“They call it ‘washed ashore’. Tastes really fruity.” Her teeth are bright white and straight and he’s never noticed how her eyes sparkle even in the lowlight.

He asks, “Can a man get a bourbon, neat here?” 

Rey shakes her head, and he looks at the menu over her shoulder as she wraps her arms around him. The touch is unexpected but welcome.

Jannah interjects, “We’ve got a tab running or we can close it and move on.” 

He answers, “I’m not opposed. Where are we headed?” Rey gets up, and he manually sits her back down, reaching down to yank her dress back into place. The act is so fluid that Rose or Jannah don’t notice but Rey pouts.

“Upstairs at Caroline. They’ve got good food and a rooftop.”

Rey oohs, “I would love to go there. Can we? They make some of the best Moscow Mules, you must try one.” She still holds his hand, and he looks to Rose. 

“It’s settled. I’ll go close the tab.” She walks away from their table and Rey finishes her drink in record speed. 

He reminds, “Remember that you have to walk.” Rey hiccups before nodding, collecting her purse and things while they wait for Rose. 

Eventually she comes back, and they head out of the tiki bar. Rey can walk, very well for a wasted person. Ben still wraps his arm around her shoulders, and she tucks into his side as one would to keep warm. Jannah calls back, “It’s only a five-minute walk!”

He hopes so, given it’s a little chilly and he doesn’t want to watch her shiver all night. The walk is short though and they arrive to the building and head inside and up to the modern decorated rooftop. It’s packed with people but they snag seats around a firepit. 

He sits Rey down on one couch with him, brushing gently through her hair. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

His answer is simple, “Because I’m worried.”

“I’m just fine. Don’t worry your pretty little head about me.” Then she pats his knee and focuses back on the fire. Ben feels comfortable enough to lean over to Rose.

He mumbles while fishing out his wallet, “Go open up a tab on my card.”

Rose nods and gets up, wandering away to the bar to get drinks. Jannah follows her, leaving them alone. Rey sits comfortably next to him and he pats her knee. “Can I go home with you?”

The question catches him off guard. But he answers quick as he can, “Rey I can’t have sex with you like this-”

“No sex. I just,” she contemplates her surroundings, “I need a change of pace tonight. I’m tired of clinging to my body pillow.”

He clarifies, “So you want to cuddle?”

She nods, “If that’s allowed.”

He says, “From you? Always.”

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

Her head is swimming. She’s overthinking again.

The night is over, and Rose and Jannah are waiting for their Uber. Rey and Ben are being polite and waiting with them before starting the walk back, and all Rey can think about is how her friends are leaving her.

That puts a pit in her stomach so deep that she finds it hard to even breathe right, holding her belly carefully. Ben seems to notice something wrong, pulling her into his arms to hold tight. Rey settles her head on his pec and shuts her eyes, not wanting the fun night to be over.

What will she and Ben do? She hadn’t really thought going to his apartment through; it had just felt right at the moment. “This is our Uber.” Jannah is holding Rose, who’s looking a little green. 

Ben says, “Have a good night.” 

Jannah replies, “You too. Rey, be safe.” 

Rose slurs from her arms, “Love you two.” Then she’s shoved into the Uber and Jannah slams the door, Rey giggling before nuzzling even closer to Ben.

“Ready to walk?”

Rey nods and she breaks away from his chest to walk beside him and hold his hand. This walk seems to take longer, even though her pace matches his. Her coordination is impeccable for being wasted, stumbling a little when crossing streets. 

They reach his apartment building and Ben hits his key fob against the sensor. The glass building door opens and Rey looks perplexed. They walk through the white panelled and tiled lobby, past the lobby with a security guard sitting at it. Ben presses the elevator button and looks her up and down.

“You look superb tonight.”

Rey blushes, or she’s flushed from the liquor. “Thank you.”

The elevator opens and they step in, Ben’s hand drifting over her ass. “Is this all right?” She nods, and he gently settles his hand on her while pressing the button for his floor. Ben is so respectful that sometimes she wonders if he has a bad bone in his body. The elevator moves up and they stand in silence, Rey licking her lips and rocking on the heels of her vans. He squeezes the cheek through the dress before letting go, the doors opening. She follows him out and down the carpeted hall of doors. They reach one that reads 0813, and he waves his key fob over another sensor, door clicking open.

The room is dark when they enter but he quickly hits some light switches on the wall and it illuminates. The living room/kitchen open concept is modern looking, with dark wood accents and a large black sectional that she immediately walks towards. “No, we’re going to bed-”

Rey plops down, seeing the remote on the coffee table and turning on the plasma television mounted to the wall above the fireplace. “Okay. I’m going to get you something to eat.” He walks into the kitchen where she can still see him bumping around. She scrolls through the guide until she reaches House Hunters, and her drunk ass presses play.

He sets down rice cakes in front of her, rolling up his sleeves and sitting down next to her. “I’m not tired.” She’s still a little sad from watching Rose and Jannah depart, and she’s not ready to talk about it. 

“That’s fine. We can watch for a bit.” He sits back against the back of the couch and sighs. Then he gestures to the water bottle he set with the rice cakes. 

“Drink.” It’s a glow bottle, and she wonders, idly, how many of these he has just lying around. She does as she’s told, sipping large amounts of water while tearing into the rice cakes. 

She finds her mouth running without even provoking it as she does, and she can’t stop it. “You know I wish I would sober up so I could have sex with you, but I don’t think it will happen. I don’t even think you’d want to have sex with me, anyway.”

She laughs before he can interrupt, “Who would? I’m clinically depressed, I can’t even shower every day, I can’t afford therapy, and my life feels like a trial by fire just by waking up. That’s contagious when you fuck someone.” She rubs her eyes.

Ben speaks, quiet, “I want to have sex with you.”

She looks up, and he swallows. “Not now because you’re inebriated and I have boundaries with that. But your mental illness or whatever you’re going through with it still means you’re a worthy person to have attention placed on you.”

Her hands tremble and she shoves a rice cake in her mouth. No one has ever said that to her before and it stop the intrusive thoughts for a moment. “I’ve spent my whole life thinking I was garbage and getting treated like garbage.”

His hand reaches out and touches along her jaw, cradling it.

“The garbage will do, then.”

She smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was fast, oop. thank you for all the response on this, it warms me mega. leave a comment, those are pretty rad. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["push my luck" by the chainsmokers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj1T_rYbSlk)
> 
> [rey's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/sunday-dress?color=Amazon&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)   
>  [the lost lei](https://www.lostleiaustin.com/menu)   
>  [upstairs at carolines](https://www.yelp.com/biz/upstairs-at-caroline-austin)


	5. she calls on the phone like the old days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He answers, nonchalant, “I’ve been called a lot of things, I don’t have a preference. Sir could work for our purposes, though.”
> 
> She nods, “Yes, sir.”
> 
> His grin is wide, toothy. 
> 
> “I swear the moment I get inside your pants is the moment world peace will befall us.”
> 
> **or**
> 
> **“Rey posts an advertising asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> panic attacks  
> depression and mental health stuff  
> food eating  
> sex stuff

The beginning of the next week is as seamless as it can be when you have depression.

Rey slept over at Ben’s after that night out, and he made it a point to be the big spoon in that scenario. He kept her safe and warm and cooked her breakfast the next day when she was too hungover to get out of bed until ten. Then he drove her to get her bike and dropped her off at her apartment after that.

They still haven’t kissed or fooled around, and she’s a little antsy. Knowing that he thrives in a sexual space as a dom, she’s worried she’s depriving him.

She goes to class, she eats, she drinks more water than she thought possible, and she finally braves a treadmill for the first time in three weeks at his insistence that the endorphins will make her happy.

They did, for a bit. Then she got sad again and she didn’t tell Ben, but she cried that night. Depression is an ugly disease that takes away from you, bit by bit until you feel hollow enough to die. 

Rey has her first extremely hard day on Thursday. It starts with waking up wrong. She tries to get through it, minimally texting Ben and just sending emojis like they agreed on if she didn’t have enough time to go in depth. Emojis feel so impersonal and non-descriptive of the anxiety that bubbles up and festers inside of her until it pops like a glass and a soprano singer. 

Rey crumbles after class, breaking down into tears over the recent Western Civilization assignment she’s been assigned: an eight-page paper. She can’t fathom that she could write something, her freelance work having taken an abrupt halt because of her mood.

She needs to make rent this month and if she can’t write, she can’t make cash. Rey can’t breathe and she struggles to get up and stagger across the floor to the bed, her laptop left on the floor from where she was working. She prefers to work on the floor sometimes.

Her phone is on the charger and she reaches for it, ripping the cord out and opening up the message thread with Ben. Clicking on the phone icon, it dials him and she wheezes from lack of breath.

The phone rings one, twice, three times. Then he picks up with a, “Hello?”

She tries to speak. She tries hard, but she only squeaks and keeps sobbing. “Rey?”

She manages, “Yeah.” Then she chokes on the lump in her throat. 

“What’s wrong? Can you breathe for me?” 

She hyperventilates for a little while longer before trying to even out her breaths, and Ben says, “Rey, I’m headed over. Stay on the phone with me, unlock your door so I can come in.” Without another thought, she gets up and unlocks the door.

“I need you to breathe okay? I promise you’ll feel much better when you breathe again.” Rey’s breaths struggle to even, the tides of hyperventilation rough and taking over more often than not. 

Time passes weird when you panic, because it seems like only fifteen seconds of pure silence before there’s a knock on the door. It opens up and Ben stands there, like a knight in shining armor. He wears a blue dress shirt with black slacks, a silver watch shining on his wrist. 

He steps into the studio apartment and quietly shuts the door, before stepping up to Rey and kneeling down to where she sits on the floor next to her bed. She shakes like a leaf and he gently reaches to touch her shoulder. Rey flinches but relaxes, and he then opens up his arms.

“Come here. Tell me what’s up.” She crawls into his arms and lap, tucking her knees into her chest as he holds her like a baby. Rey wipes her eyes.

“It’s all too much. Everything feels like too much.”

He nods, “I know as a student you’re usually spread very thin.”

She nods and he continues, “And sometimes those extra obligations are a lot on a fragile mental health state.” Rey sniffles and he leans down and nuzzles the top of her head.

“I’m here for you, whatever you need.” She looks up at him through her blurry vision, a saint among men. Ben Solo makes the typical human seem selfish. 

“But I looked at your water today and you haven’t consumed nearly enough. After you finish that bottle, I want you to get ready for bed.” 

She protests, “I have to study-”

“No, you’re resting. You need to take care of your body, it’s my job to remind you to do that.” Rey bites her lip and looks at her hands, contemplating telling him to back off. He makes a fair point, however.

Ben gets up from the floor, picking her up with him and gently setting her on her feet. Rey holds onto his shoulders still and looks up at him, eyes feeling puffy. “Fine.” She lets go of him and pulls her shirt over her head. They had stripped and changed separately when she had slept over, but she doesn’t have the energy to go into the bathroom. 

He averts his eyes and sits on her bed, and Rey unclips her overalls while taking a long drink from the bottle he gave her. Ben’s phone dings and she raises her brows. “You get a notification every time I drink?”

He nods. “You and my mother. She’s doing much better than you at the whole water thing.”

Rey rationalizes as she rifles through her drawer for a fresh pajama set, “She’s had a longer time to practice. I don’t know what it’s like to have to constantly piss.”

He laughs, “You get used to it. But hey, your pee is clear every time.”

She rolls her eyes and finds a faux silk set from Victoria’s Secret. Rey lives in pajamas when she’s home so the investment was worth it. She slips them on and then goes to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. “Have you eaten dinner?”

“Nope.”

He clicks his tongue, “Then what do you want from DoorDash?” She pokes her head out and bites her lip.

“Surprise me?” He definitely has an idea as to what she should eat and Rey doesn’t want to think. She wants someone to provide for her. He nods and she goes back to what she was doing, even putting moisturizer on her face.

Then she traipses back to bed, pulling the covers back and laying down. She curls up, pulling her knees to her chest as she lays her head on her cushy pillow. Ben watches her before sitting at her bedside, reaching for her hand to hold it.

“If you want to see a psychiatrist-”

She cuts him off, “I don’t have insurance to cover the costs of the inevitable prescription medication.”

He nods, “I understand. I don’t enjoy watching the system fail people who need help.” She has a pit for a stomach and she doesn’t want to think about how much better she could be if she could just get some fucking help.

He pushes a strand of hair from her face and Rey reaches behind her to take down her hair from its three buns. “Let me.”

She pauses, staring at him. He looks suddenly sheepish and she turns her head so he has access to her hair. Ben’s touch is delicate as he takes each bun out, silent as he works. She twiddles her thumbs and he finishes up, collecting all the elastics and getting up to put them in her bathroom. “What did you order?”

He looks over, “I got you soup. I figured you’d want something easy.” He’s correct, given she can drink soup. She lays back down on the pillow, and Ben comes back in, bending down to pick her phone up off the floor and plugging it in.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

She asks another question, one that’s been burning for a while, “What do you like being called in bed?”

He answers, nonchalant, “I’ve been called a lot of things, I don’t have a preference. Sir could work for our purposes, though.”

She nods, “Yes, sir.”

His grin is wide, toothy. 

“I swear the moment I get inside your pants is the moment world peace will befall us.”

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

She’s looking better after food.

Rey slurps her soup in front of him, his salad already demolished. All he can do is watch her lips wrap around the rim and dream.

To be honest, she scared the shit out of him tonight. Ben is not used to quelling panic attacks in his subs, only having to do it once and ending up in the hospital because it turned into a full blown asthma attack. 

This felt worse somehow. He asks the essential question, “So. Am I staying or going home tonight?” Rey stops slurping her soup, smacking her lips while she thinks. He knows she likes her space, prickly like he can be. 

“Stay.” He nods, standing up. He had prepared for this outcome, packing an overnight bag when he got the call and leaving it in the car when he arrived. She looks confused.

He explains, “I have a bag in the car that I’m going to go get. It’ll just be a moment.” Rey gets out of bed and follows him to the door. 

“I’m coming with you.” He looks her white silk pajamas up and down before shrugging and leaving the apartment. They walk down the hall, side by side, to the elevator at the end. She’s a little sniffly as they do and he presses the button.

They wait. “I’m sorry if I fucked up your night.”

He looks over. “You did nothing wrong. This is my job, to take care of you. Remember?” The doors open and they step inside, pressing the button for the first floor. He wants her to understand her worth, how easy she is to care about. They make it out to his car and he pops the trunk of the BMW, grabbing the backpack out of it. Rey closes it and they make their way inside and back up to her apartment, backpack slung over his back. 

She crawls back into bed when they arrive back, and he shuts the front door, turning off the overhead light in the kitchen and living room. The lamp is on, the lowlight setting an intimate ambience. He unzips his backpack and quickly realizes he forgot sleep pants and an extra shirt in his haste, and curses to himself. He wore the most clothing possible with Rey when she stayed over, to keep modesty.

“Do you mind if I sleep in just my briefs?” He scratches the back of his head.

Rey mumbles, “I’d prefer it if you did.” Then she giggles. He snorts and strips off right in her view, going slow as he unbuttons each button of his dress shirt and pulls his belt through the loops. She watches with an open mouth.

“That’s not fair.”

Pushing his pants down his legs, “What isn’t?”

“You looking that good when I thought my pussy was closed down.”

He laughs aloud and walks to the other side of the bed, climbing into that side. Sure, his feet slam up against the footboard if he doesn’t scrunch, but she’s here and she’s crawling to lie on top of him.

“Keeping warm?” She looks down at him before nodding, tucking her face into his neck. He reaches for the lamp, turning it off and leaving them in pitch dark.

He shuts his eyes and feels her breathing, how sometimes it hitches and she tenses up. Rey is so discontent for being content at the moment, and it’s a weird dichotomy he will learn to work with: the girl who is okay but not okay. “Ben?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“When will we have sex?”

That’s a good question he doesn’t know the answer to. He tries, “When you’re ready.”

There’s a pause. Then, “What if we didn’t go all the way?”

“All the way?”

She clarifies, “Penetration. Like what if we did...oral first?”

Ben knows where she’s going with this and he shuts it down, “I told you to rest, didn’t I?”

She argues, “I’m resting right now. I didn’t mean tonight.” He nods and rubs her back.

She continues, “I just want to experience that with you soon. It has to be special, however.”

“Special?”

“Like...I would like candles and rose petals if it’s too much to ask?”

He asks, “Haven’t we established you get anything you want?”

That gets her to giggle and he smiles again, listening to her sigh contentedly.

It’s one of the best ways to fall asleep, in his opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these updates are really easy for me and the response from all of you guys makes this an absolute joy to write. thank you for enjoying, please keep the comments coming. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["she's american" by the 1975](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZhE-T9zw1w)
> 
> [white satin pjs](https://shoplerose.com/products/rosa-satin-pj-set-2?variant=27893079310410&gclid=Cj0KCQiAyKrxBRDHARIsAKCzn8yBlHpFqaa2xLwumvoqk_2FTtlddARbNlEY7Nq1UPb_nibju-pg94IaAkb8EALw_wcB)


	6. not everybody in this world is out to see you worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You requested roses and candles, I deliver.” Rey bites her lower lip, stepping between his spread legs as he sits. She then tosses her hair over her shoulder.
> 
> She says, “I have to admit that it’s been awhile since I’ve had healthy sex.” Nerves take over her hands, causing them to shake uncontrollably. He grabs them gently.
> 
> “No pressure if you’re not ready yet. I just thought-” He scratches the back of his head and then grabs her hand again. 
> 
> He suggests, “What if we just start with oral? Move on if we’re ready.”
> 
> **or**
> 
> **“Rey posts an advertising asking for a gentle and understanding dom who would make her eat regularly, go to sleep at reasonable time and exercise. Ben is confused, but also intrigued.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **tags**  
>  sexy times  
> food eating  
> alcohol consumption   
> mental health stuff

Her depression fueled burst of creativity hits that weekend, rendering her writing machine. It’s easier to write in pain sometimes, even technical paid shit taking her mind off of the humdrum. 

This writing time is different, however. Usually she barely takes care of herself, skipping meals for more writing time and only eating from the fridge in the dead of night. She also becomes a recluse, and you could say it’s her process.

Ben does not allow the lack of eating or drinking to happen. He doesn’t fuck around with his duties, especially when she doesn’t text him back that she ate lunch (because she didn’t). 

There’s a knock at her door around two on Saturday and she furrows her brows. Wrapping her robe around herself, she gets up and walks to the door to look through the peephole. Ben stands in a black dress shirt and slacks, matching blazer on his shoulders and sunglasses on the crown of his head. He’s holding a takeout bag and she opens up the door, looking at him.

He doesn’t even say hello, “Is your phone off?”

Rey shakes her head and he storms past her, and she looks back at him. “Why aren’t you at work?”

He’s opening the takeout bag and getting out two containers of sushi. “I left because you weren’t answering my texts you had eaten.”

She blanches and he continues, holding up his phone with the water app displayed on his screen, “And also you haven’t drunk water since around twelve.” 

“I can explain-”

“That you’re not eating or drinking? It’s cut and dry.” 

She feels ashamed and embarrassed, hugging herself. She mumbles, “I was just writing.”

Ben opens up both containers of sushi and pushes them to one side of the tiny two person table she has shoved against the wall. There’s no way she can eat two rolls of sushi. “Sit.”

She does as she’s told and he sits across from her, barely fitting in the chair but not caring as he watches her break the chopsticks clumsily and pick up the piece of California roll. “There you go. Good girl.”

The praise, despite him being so annoying at the present moment, warms her heart. She eats another one and he just watches her silently. “Do I not get a good girl for every piece?” He smiles so she can see his pointy canines.

“ _Good girl_.” She smiles haughtily and takes another bite.

“Very good girl.”

Another roll.

“So good for me.”

Another one. 

“Fuck I can’t believe how good you are.”

She keeps smiling and eventually his good girls fade as he looks at his phone and misses her take bites. She doesn’t mind too much and she pushes the container away from herself and takes the lid off the second. If she has to gorge herself on sushi to make him happy, she will.

She gets halfway through the second before she shoves it away from herself. He looks up. “Finished?” She nods, and he gets up and grabs both containers, tossing them in the trash. Then he walks sit across from her again, resembling a sulky trust fund kid at a baptism. 

“Why aren’t you eating?”

Rey says, “I got caught up in writing.”

He nods his head and she feels a little ashamed of herself. Why is she making his job ridiculously hard? It’s not fair for him and she starts, “I didn’t mean to take you away from work.”

Ben shrugs, “I can leave as early in the day as I desire. I don’t like to but for moments like these, it’s convenient.” 

“I would text you back, eventually.”

“Were you?” He stands up and walks the length of her apartment, sitting on the edge of her bed.

Rey admits, “No.”

“Because you knew that you didn’t eat lunch and knew I would be concerned. And you don’t like people being concerned about you because you feel unworthy?”

Why did he hit the nail on the head? Rey nods, uncomfortable with getting shrunk. Luckily, he doesn’t continue and just stares at her with speculation. Rey mumbles, “You can leave if you want-”

“I’m coming back at six to take you to a dinner and a movie.”

“No movie.” She’s too depressed to sit through a movie and she can’t imagine seeing one with him like some highschool teen dream. Would he even fit in a theater seat?

“Fine, a long walk then. Get dressed up for dinner.” He walks towards the door and opens it and Rey swallows the lump in her throat. 

“Can I get a hug?”

He turns around, “Did I forget to give you one?”

She nods and he rushes over, crushing her in a tight hug that takes her breath away. Rey buries her face in his neck. He sways with her for a long time before letting go of her, pulling away with a last kiss to the top of her head. 

Rey wrings her hands as he walks towards the door again. “Remember, six.” She nods, and he leaves with a slam of the door. Rey wraps her arms around herself and inhales sharply. 

She can get ready for this, can’t she?

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

The BMW idles outside of her building, and soft jazz music plays over the speakers. It’s six and she’s not outside yet, but he doesn’t fear. He expected her to be a little late.

He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous for this date. Is it even a date? He hopes it is, based on what he has set up in his bedroom at home. He’s made everything perfect and ready for after dinner.

Rey leaves her building and he gapes at the rose-printed mini dress on her frame, at the high neckline that ties around her throat in a little bow like a collar. He wonders, idly, how she’d look with a leash and little ears with her lips around his cock.

He can’t get hard before they begin and he contains his thoughts in a locked box, swallowing the key. Rey opens up the door and gets into the car, her skirt riding up her thighs a little. She’s wearing cleaned Air Force 1’s and she settles her clutch purse in her lap. “Hey you.”

She’s wearing a smattering of light makeup and she says, “Hey.” Then she smiles and he rubs his thumb along her bottom lip before throwing the car into drive. He smoothly pulls into traffic and settles a hand on her thigh.

“So where are we headed?”

He glances over at her and watches her apply lip gloss with lewd interest before focusing back on the road. “Three forks. It’s a new place, never tried it before.” She hums and rubs her lips together as she watches out the window.

Ben rubs her thigh. “So instead of a walk, I’m thinking we go back to mine for a drink.”

“That sounds perfect.” Her hand settles over his and he can’t help but smile to himself, smug about the contact from a beautiful woman that feels out of his league. She would scoff if he told her so, but it’s true.

They drive in comfortable silence, arriving at the restaurant in no time. There’s valet out front and he pulls up, getting out first and popping around the car to open her door for her. Rey gets out, lightly touching down on the pavement and moving out of the way. He hands the keys to the valet and then takes her hand, walking up to the entrance of the restaurant. He opens the door for her and she walks in first, strolling in after her.

The restaurant is paneled in dark wood and packed, lit low and smelling fragrant of herbs. He walks straight to the hostess. "Hello, I'm here for a reservation under Solo."

The hostess, a perky redhead, scrolls through the list before nodding and grabbing two menus. They're completely bypassing the wait, thank God. "Right this way."

They follow her to a table against the wall, a candle lit between their seats. He pulls out Rey's chair, then his own and sits. The hostess leaves them alone and she looks at him. “This is why you told me to dress up.”

He adjusts the sleeves of his own blazer before nodding. “I knew what we’d be wading into.”

“Can I pick the next date? Spoiler alert, it will be Whataburger because it’s all I can afford right now.”

He shivers, “That stuff will rot your gut. It’s not nutritious at all.”

She shrugs, “Any other suggestions?”

He mumbles, “Sonic is nicer.” 

“Fine, we’ll do that. Should I look at the prices or will I puke?” He snorts.

“It got three cash signs on Google, it can’t be that bad.” Then she cracks open the menu and blanches, and he opens up his own and shrugs at the price of forty dollars for a six ounce filet mignon. That’s pretty standard but Rey looks uncomfortable.

He reasons, “Don’t worry about it, yeah? I’m paying.” 

Rey gulps before nodding, “Right. I need to eat.”

“Yes, you do.”

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

It’s unreasonable how the best meal of her life is spent with Ben Solo, over a ninety six dollar bottle of wine and an eighty dollar steak.

It’s unreasonable because she could never replicate it unless she were with him, but she wouldn’t mind having another dinner with Ben. He’s very polite and quiet when she has nothing to say and engaged when she does.

Rey isn’t very good at conversation when she’s depressed, preferring to be introspective and stare at him for too long like a dumbass. He deals with that too.

His foot brushes up against hers as she licks up the last of the chocolate ganache cake on the spoon. “Still ready to go back to mine?” She nods and pushes the plate away from herself, the check already paid on the table and signed with a flourish and a big tip. 

Ben gets up, offering his hand to her. She takes it and walks next to him, close to his side and leaning her head on his shoulder as they leave the restaurant. Her head is a little hazy from the wine and she looks up at him as he pays the valet. Then he opens the door for her and she gets in the BMW, rubbing her stomach after she clicks the seatbelt on. 

She feels cared for and full, her favorite feelings. Ben gets in next to her and looks over at her, smirking. “You look like you’re in pure bliss.” 

“I am.” The car moves and he reaches over to hold her thigh once more. She shuts her eyes and lays her head against the seat, planning on dozing.

It helps the ride pass by quicker, anticipation growing in her gut at what he could have planned back at his house. She’s nervous that if it’s sex, she won’t get wet. Her depression makes masturbating impossible, unable to get turned on and relieve some stress. 

They arrive and he parks in his space in the garage underneath the building. She gets out of the car when he opens the door, pushing her hair back and walking close to him. His arm wraps around her waist as they enter the building and the elevator to take him up to his floor.

When they arrive at his door, Rey lets go of him. Her nerves spike as he opens it, turning on the lights inside his apartment and illuminating his super clean haven. His bedroom door is closed and she’s only been there once, and she had been drunk off her ass still.

She sits on the couch while he shuts the door, then turning to her. “So.”

She bites her lip and listens expectantly. “I’m going to go change in my room.” Rey nods and watches him disappear into the bedroom, shutting the door softly. She takes a long look outside his window, at the Austin skyline, before standing up and beginning to pace. She’s antsy clearly, hugging herself as she walks.

“Rey? Could you come in here?”

She looks towards the door before leaving her clutch on the couch and going to the door. Rey opens it and the sight that greets her is one that makes her stomach flutter. Rose petals litter the bed and vases hold more roses, candles lit on the nightstands and dresser. He sits on the edge of his mattress, in just charcoal boxer briefs. His body is sculpted by the gods, and she’s seen him like this before, but it blows her away every time.

He looks nervous as well and she steps in and shuts the door.

Rey steps closer to him and he looks up at her. “You remembered.”

“You requested roses and candles, I deliver.” Rey bites her lower lip, stepping between his spread legs as he sits. She then tosses her hair over her shoulder.

She says, “I have to admit that it’s been awhile since I’ve had healthy sex.” Nerves take over her hands, causing them to shake uncontrollably. He grabs them gently.

“No pressure if you’re not ready yet. I just thought-” He scratches the back of his head and then grabs her hand again. 

He suggests, “What if we just start with oral? Move on if we’re ready.”

She nods in agreement with that. “Okay. Yeah, I want to.” Rey can psych herself up for a lot and she squashes the nerves as best she can as he reaches to begin to undress her. The act is so intimate it makes her shiver, and he unties the string holding her neckline together. Then he stands, towering over her and reaching behind her to unzip her dress.

She shoulders it off and lets it pool at her feet, sans bra and wearing a black seamless thong. Rey’s more than insecure about her body, having grown up hungry. She was always scrawny until only recently, but even then she feels like she’s too close to the lower end of the scale. “Do you like your breasts being played with?”

She confesses, “I don’t know.” All the sex she’s had has been bad. Ben looks up at her.

“Whoever mistreated you in the sack, I hope they step on a nail.” That gets her to giggle and Ben looks proud of himself. He gently pulls her into his lap. 

Rey stares up at him, and he leans down and presses their lips together for their first official kiss. It’s tender, and his stubble scratches her cheeks. Her hand settles on his bare chest as their lips move against each other, earnestly coasting her palm along his skin.

He pulls away first and gently lays her on the bed, Rey’s legs falling open automatically. He nestles between them and grabs her thong, pulling it down her legs. “Can you turn on music?” She doesn’t enjoy being alone with her thoughts, since they’re intrusive and negative these days.

Ben nods and gets up, grabbing his phone off the nightstand and squinting at it. Rey waits patiently until the soft dulcet tones of Hozier fill the room. Then Ben gets back between her legs, staring at her pussy closely.

“You’re pretty down here too.” A blush blooms across her cheeks and he smiles up at her, then pressing kisses from her navel to her pubic bone. They’re sloppy and she trembles from the sensation of being kissed.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” He holds her thighs and licks a fat stripe up her folds. It feels like heaven on earth and she’s missed cunnilingus more than she thought. Ben keeps licking at her content little sighs, holding her thighs in place so she can’t move.

“Be loud for sir.”

Sir? Oh yeah. She’s not in that frame of mind and getting there is a challenge with such a garbage brain. She manages a little whine and he looks up at her while still licking and sucking obscenely. “Louder.”

“I’m afraid of your neighbors-”

He snaps, “Fuck my neighbors. I want to hear you.” Then he growls and pulls her closer to his mouth to push his tongue inside of her and make her squirm in pure delight.

She gives him a loud moan and he looks satisfied as he keeps fucking her with his tongue so the sounds keep leaving her. She notices he’s stroking his own cock through the fabric of his briefs, and how massive the outline is. 

Rey decides that she wants that inside of her.

“Can you uh-” His lips leave her and he lifts his head.

She’s sheepish, “Fuck me?”

“I thought you wouldn’t ask.” She lets him maneuver her how he wants, strong enough to do so. Plus she likes it when he puts his hands on her body, warm and roughened up from time and hard work. He pushes his briefs to his knees and his cock rises to rest against his belly. It’s huge, the head reddened and leaking pre-cum. The shaft is thick and she wants to wrap her fingers around him and stroke him until he busts on her face. She knows cum dripping off her cheeks would push him to the brink and she makes a mental note to try it out tomorrow morning. 

“Are you on birth control?”

She nods, “Copper IUD.”

He lines up with her entrance and bunts the head of his cock up against her. “I will go as slow as I can, okay?”

She nods and shuts her eyes, feeling him push into her pussy with a gentle force that makes her gut flutter. The stretch feels so different and new that her back arches as he pushes most of himself inside of her. It’s not all of him because of mismatched anatomy, but she stares up at him with big eyes as she adjusts to the sting of the stretch.

“Okay?” He’s paused inside of her and when Rey feels okay enough, she nods. His hips begin to move and his cock slips and slides in and out of her with each thrust, feeling so delicious. He’s focused on her face, watching her intently as he fucks her. 

“Did I tell you to stop moaning?” His hand reaches down to push her clitoral hood back, thumb pressing on her clitoris and rubbing circles that make her moan again. 

“Good girl. You will text me, even when you don’t eat food okay?” 

She nods and he keeps drilling into her, moving faster and faster until his hips are practically flying and his hand won’t let up on her clit. She grows closer and closer to an orgasm. “Ben?”

He’s still thrusting, “Yeah?”

“Tell me you care about me.”

Ben replies, “I care so much about you, Rey.” Rey is satisfied enough that she comes with a loud whine. He follows behind with a long groan, spilling cum inside of her and warming up her belly and lower regions. He pulls out, tapping his softening dick on her pussy before looking at her.

“You did so well.” 

She smiles wide, rubbing her stomach while he kisses between her breasts. 

It makes her blush deep and then smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extended again, im never leaving this fandom apparently. leave a comment, those are pretty cool. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["sad for you" by NJOMZA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXkuw7hdxw0)
> 
> [rey's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/vivianne-dress?color=Rochelle&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)   
>  [3 forks](https://www.3forks.com/menus/view/?location=3-forks&menutype=valentinesdaymenu)   
>  [air force 1's](https://www.goat.com/sneakers/white-nike-air-force-1-women?utm_source=google_int&utm_medium=google_shopping_int&utm_campaign=2070028993_82049328608&utm_content=368056751951_1o2&utm_term=883412735353&gclid=CjwKCAiAjrXxBRAPEiwAiM3DQgiCU8r4T2DROULlQ6RSd3_aY7MybTLclRB6xzgrBkT8z0kk05aofRoCq8wQAvD_BwE)


	7. it's all me in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stares at her lower half, marked with bruises from their second round. Rey touches each one and Ben comes up behind her in the mirror, leaning down and kissing her neck after moving her hair out of the way. Then he touches the constellation of bruises as well, whispering, “You’re mine.”
> 
> She tells him a soft secret in return, “I only want to be yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> exercise talk  
> dom/sub stuff  
> mental health stuff

She wakes up to the smell of bacon and eggs in the morning. 

His sheets are comfortable and soft, and she rolls onto her back from her side, just as Ben comes into the room with a tray. A plate sits on it, piled high with food. Then there’s a glass of orange juice and a bottle of painkillers.

He notices she’s awake with a small smile, “Good morning, I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

She yawns, sitting up against the headboard, “Not at all. Just got up. You made this for me?” Being cared for still rocks her world and that much is clear as he nods and she covers her mouth to keep from squealing.

Kissing the top of her head, he sets the tray in her lap. He’s wearing athletic clothes, and she asks after a bite of scrambled eggs, “Did you go to the gym?”

“I did. I wake up at six.”

She asks, “Even on weekends?” He nods and brushes a piece of hair from her face. 

“I could never.”

“It’s the only slot my personal trainer has.”

She asks, “Who’s your trainer?” She has to admit she’s a little jealous, she has to deal with getting hit on at the campus gym when she’s just trying to get a boost of endorphins. 

“This guy named Finn. He used to be a football player at the University of Texas before he fucked up his knee. I met him through an old sub.” She recognizes the name and nods with her mouth full, but she can’t pin where she’s heard it before. She also tries to ignore the old sub talk, not wanting to hear about her predecessors that were probably more fun than her. 

She keeps eating silently and Ben flits around his room, getting undressed. He eventually asks, “I’m going to hop in the shower.”

“Can I come with you?” Coming back from the bathroom across the hall, he gazes at her and tries to see if she’s serious.

Once he confirms it, he says, “Duh. Come on.” She gets out of bed, sore between her legs. Taking two Advil, she then walks to him and kisses him on the lips. Then they both enter the bathroom, Ben turning on the rainfall shower. 

She stares at her lower half, marked with bruises from their second round. Rey touches each one and Ben comes up behind her in the mirror, leaning down and kissing her neck after moving her hair out of the way. Then he touches the constellation of bruises as well, whispering, “You’re mine.”

She tells him a soft secret in return, “I only want to be yours.”

Smiling against her neck, he kisses it before pulling away and stepping into the shower stream. Rey follows him, bumping him gently to the side as she tries to get wet herself. Sharing a shower with a huge man is a challenge, but she’s committed to making it work.

Ben is too, given the moves fully out of the stream so she can wash her hair with his shampoo. He touches her breasts as she does, leaning down and sucking on her nipples gently. He teethes occasionally, and she runs her hands through her hair and trying to get all the suds out.

This is living like a queen, for all intents and purposes.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

The week whizzed by, uneventful.

Rey is busy with classes but still texting him back, and he’s glad he didn’t drive her away with his dick somehow. That wouldn’t be uncommon, given that some women practically run from his ass when he’s done.

He’s at work when she texts him, probably between her first and second class. 

* * *

| Rey - 1:37 PM |

can you come to the gym with me later? also Rose is doing a board game night tonight if you want to come

* * *

He’s already worked out today and normally a second round wouldn’t be in the cards. But it’s Rey and the temptation of board games with her after is too great to ignore. 

* * *

| Ben - 1:43 PM |

sure, I’ll pick you up after class, same parking garage as before?

* * *

He’s got a gym membership for when he can’t get in for Finn’s training, and he knows he can just get her a guest pass for the day. Hell, he might just pay for her gym membership if she’s interested enough in exercise.

She texts back.

* * *

| Rey - 1:45 PM |

same one, see you then!

* * *

He focuses back on his expense reports, curiosity piqued for how fit Rey is. Will this be like watching a cat take a bath?

Only time will tell.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

He waits in the BMW at four on the dot. Soft indie music fills the car as he sits in idle, dressed already in his typical gym outfit of running tights and a muscle tank, the sides open to expose his torso.

His gym duffle sits in the trunk, always ready to go. The passenger door opens and Rey gets into the car. She’s wearing tight leggings as well, a sports bra in her hand as she shucks her backpack over her shoulder and into the backseat. 

“Hey.”

She replies, “Hey.” Then she pulls her tee over her head and tosses it back there as well, exposing her breasts to him. She doesn’t seem to care about getting naked in public, or at least in front of him. She pulls on the sports bra and pulls on the band at the bottom, shifting it around on her skin.

“I’m taking you to my gym.” She glances over.

“Your gym?”

He nods and she bites her lips before shrugging, “I would offer we go to mine but if you like yours better, I’d rather do that.”

“Then it’s settled.” He puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking space, typing in his gym into the GPS. Then he speeds up out of the parking garage, turning in his ticket and paying the three-dollar entrance fee. 

“I’ve been looking for a new gym to join.” He glances over.

“Yeah? Is the campus one that bad?” He’d assume they’d have a lot of amenities for the tuition. 

Rey hums, “Lots of guys come up to me.” 

He asks, “And do what?”

“Hit on me. It makes me really uncomfortable but I don’t have the funds to get a gym membership right now.” 

He mumbles, “I can get you a gym membership.”

Rey shakes her head, “I don’t want you to spend excessive amounts of money on me all the time. It makes me uncomfortable.”

He backs off immediately because that’s a limit. She’s not saying explicitly that it is but a good dom would know instantly based on how she bites her lip and wrings her hands. “Okay. What if we compromise?”

“Compromise?”

He nods, still driving carefully and taking a left turn cautiously. “I get you a key fob to my apartment complex and you use the gym there.” He doesn’t personally use it, preferring the amenities of the gym they’re headed to. 

“You don’t have to-”

“If it makes you feel better about taking care of your body, I’m willing to do anything.” 

She stares at him before whispering, “Okay.”

Ben refocuses on the road, listening to her shift around in her seat and occasionally hum along to the music. They arrive at the gym, very little traffic saturating their route. There’s a parking garage attached to the building by a bridge and he swipes a card, getting access.

“Very fancy.”

“This place is half a spa too, you know.”

Rey immediately blurts, “Do they do couple’s massages?” Are they even a couple? 

He nods, trying to push the thought away, “Me and my co-worker, Poe, got one.” Rey giggles.

“Why, you’re not a couple.” 

He asks, “So? It was cheaper to do it that way and Poe and I are practically married, anyway.” Poe owns a good portion of a lot of his start-ups and their financial pursuits are very tangled up. 

“When will I meet this Poe?”

Ben shrugs, “Soon. Maybe I’ll take you guys to dinner. You’d like him I think.”

She asks, “Does he do BDSM too?” He likes the use of the acronym from his lips and shakes his head. 

“Nope, he’s dating Finn and I assume their sex is vanilla as can be.” 

“You never know though. Not everyone has big dom energy like you.”

“Big dom energy?”

Rey nods and he pulls into a parking space, cutting the engine and looking over at her. She’s zipping up a hoodie over her sports bra. “Yeah, you just look all big and strong and powerful. You command a room.”

He mumbles a, “Huh.” Then he gets out of the car and loops around to the trunk, popping it open and grabbing his duffle bag. Pulling it over his shoulder, she watches her bounce up to him with headphones and a water bottle. She’s simplistic as can be compared to his harsh regime. 

He takes her hand and they walk into the downtown gym together. The aesthetic is a creamy white and light wood, the counter having waterfall inset into the face. Ben steps up to them, “I’d like to get a guest pass?”

He hands over his card and the woman scans it, then printing off a labeled tag with his name and her guest status on it. “That’s valid for five days when she comes in with you. Enjoy your workout!”

Ben nods and peels off the label, placing it on Rey’s hoodie covered chest. “I’ve got to head to the locker room, but go ahead upstairs and start your workout. Want me to check in occasionally?” He doesn’t want to crowd her during such a sacred process such as working out. 

“Sure. Can you kiss me?” He obliges, keeping it PG for the benefit of the girls at the counter. Then Rey leaves one last kiss on his cheek before heading up the stairs.

Ben doesn’t want to admit that he stares at her ass in leggings as she does, shaking his head to himself at the indecency of someone being so perfect.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

This is her best idea yet, she knew it as soon as she saw his thighs in running tights.

Rey can barely focus on how bad her legs burn on the stair stepper and how out of breath she is when he exists, watching him run on the treadmill in front of her any chance she gets. He’s got fucking AirPods in and runs like a gazelle somehow, despite his size.

Rey wishes that it was only them in this gym. All the indecent things she’d do to him would certainly christen this place. 

She does thirty minutes on the stair stepper before getting off, guzzling water down and breathing hard. She knows she has to go do at least a circuit to let him know she’s not inept at the gym or just some carrot eating cardio bunny. She stretches a little and watches his treadmill stop. He gets off, stretching his arms over his head like he didn’t even break a sweat.

She hates him. Ben walks up to her and sips his pink-tinted liquid. “What are you drinking?”

“Pre-workout. Want some?” She makes a face and gags. He sips more and reaches to push a hand through his hair.

Rey steps up close to him. “This gym is really nice.”

“I like it a lot. No one is weird here, it costs too much to be a place for weirdos.”

Rey jokes, “Then how did you get in?” He snorts before actually laughing, covering his mouth. She wishes he wouldn’t; she enjoys seeing his smile.

Once he stops laughing, “Can you do me a favor?”

She nods and he grabs under her chin, “Spot me if I ask? Can you do that, good girl?”

She answers so sweet, “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been going through a lot of physical stuff lately but i should be out of the woods soon. thanks for all the love constantly. its a beautiful thing to experience. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["afterglow" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOq9J4dprvU)
> 
> the list  
> [ben's gym leggings](https://www.rhone.com/products/distance-run-tight?variant=29959022379111&g_acctid=942-640-4075&g_campaign=US%20%2F%20All%20Products%20%2F%20Smart%20Shopping&g_campaignid=2077986157&g_adgroupid=78126649618&g_adid=373049694889&g_keyword=&g_keywordid=pla-297612067635&g_adtype=&g_merchantid=101165829&g_productchannel=online&g_productid=shopify_US_4023262183527_29959022379111&g_partition=297612067635&g_network=u&g_ifproduct=product&g_ifcreative=&gclid=Cj0KCQiAvc_xBRCYARIsAC5QT9kAiSTwrTCURFexqcdnnKxC2H2ylzzrL9_UDfA-o32jtYIWh3wj1tYaAt0GEALw_wcB&color=51)


	8. just think of the fun things we could do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben exhales before shrugging, “If you want to do this, promise me you won’t get hasty. I’m not pushing your limits, I am a mean Dom.”
> 
> “Deal. I assumed you were harsh, given all my love bites.”
> 
> “That’s not me being mean, that’s me being smart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> dom/sub  
> mental health  
> alcohol drinking  
> board games  
> (1) spank

Rey is sweating up a storm by the time they’re done, feeling as if she will drench his car in the stuff.

Ben looks sweaty too at least, and she cannot describe how wet she got when she spotted his four hundred and fifty-pound deadlift, with a weight belt around his middle and even gloves. The whole thing is insane to witness, and she can’t help but want to rock into the heel of her hand.

Rey opens up the car door instead, getting in and pushing her hair out of her face. It sticks a little to her sweat. Ben gets in next to her and closes the door, putting his fist out. “Good job, kid.”

She pounds fists, “I’m not a kid.”

He snorts and starts the car, her belly tossing and turning with what could happen next. “I have a change of clothes in my duffle but I assume we have to go back to yours.”

Rey nods, “That would be ideal. You know Rose’s is like a mile from my place. We could walk, maybe get something to eat on the way?”

He nods to himself, “Sounds like a plan, sweetheart.” The rest of the drive is quiet then, Rey looking out the window as the downtown traffic passes by. She lives close to campus, so the drive isn’t too long.

He parks in a free visitor space and they both get out. He yanks his duffle over his shoulder from where he put it in the backseat. Rey puts her backpack on her back and they walk across the parking lot to her building.

Getting in is simple, and her studio apartment is cozy. Rey drops her backpack on the floor by her bed and strips off as Ben shuts the door and walks to fill his water in her sink. “I will order you a Brita, you know.” 

She laughs, “No you aren’t. Tap water is fine.”

“It tastes yucky.” She rolls her eyes and spots a dress in her closet, wanting him to think she’s ultra-feminine. In reality, Rey would love to go with some sweats and a big hoodie, and her fingers pause on the fabric.

She should do what she wants right? “Would you care if I wore sweats?”

“No, I’d understand. I wear pajama pants around my house as much as possible.” She goes to her dresser and pulls out a pair of grey sweats. Then she grabs a creamy white sweater and looks back at him.

“Can I take a shower too?”

He says, “Rey this is your house. I’m the one who should ask to do stuff.” He has a point and she goes to the bathroom at that, closing the door but leaving it unlocked just in case he wants to join her. 

She keeps her showers pretty short, a trait from when she was young and only had a bucket to bathe with. She can get things done with less water than most would think, and she’s only just gotten comfortable with the luxury of baths. 

She makes sure she shampoos and conditions, washing her body with fragrant vanilla bean soap. Then she gets out, toweling off and spreading vanilla and coconut body butter all over her skin. Rey wants to smell good enough to eat.

She wraps her hair up in a towel and walks out, stark naked. Ben is laying on her bed, and his eyes go wide as she reaches past him and gets dressed. “You’re so tempting right now.”

She smiles to herself and pulls the sweater over her head. “Patience.” 

“I’m not a patient man.” 

“Gonna have to get there, eventually.” She then slips on her yellow Vans sneakers and he gets up. He’s changed into a black tee and black jeans, still wearing his running shoes.

“Ready?”

She responds, “Nearly.” Then she walks to her backpack, grabbing her wallet and house keys from where she set them next to it. Shoving them in her pockets, she also makes sure she has her phone. 

“Now I am.”

Ben nods and reaches for her hand, and she takes his. He pulls her to his side and she says, “We need to stop at a liquor store on the way. Board games aren’t complete without booze.”

He allows, “You’re correct.” Then they walk out of her apartment and she locks her door while still under his arm. They take the stairs instead of the elevator, holding hands on the way down and when they get onto the street. Their walk is only a mile, but it takes them through the thick of downtown on the way, Rose and Jannah living in a high rise. 

They walk mostly in silence, Ben making occasional and quiet quips about a store they pass or a dog he would love to greet. Rey finally spots one of her destinations: a taco truck parked in a large alleyway. It’s her favorite type of taco, on the side of a street. She pulls Ben towards it and they get into the three-person line.

He kisses the top of her head and starts getting out his wallet, and Rey shakes her head. “Nope, this is on me.” He obliges with her demands and Rey pulls out her wallet, stepping up to the counter.

“Can I get three chicken tacos on corn with green chili? Then whatever he wants." She moves a little to the side.

Ben orders, "Three carne asada on flour with roja." Rey hands over her card and looks up at Ben, who picks up a piece of her wet hair before dropping it back down.

Taking her card back, they stand to the side and wait. "I'm buying liquor since you bought me tacos. My treat."

She shrugs, "Whatever you want." Leaning down, he kisses her tenderly.

She doesn't even care if it's in front of other people, his lips feel so nice.

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They arrive at Rose's in forty-five minutes, a little early for the board game night.

The girl doesn't care, opening up the door and beaming when she sees the two of them. "Hey guys! Come on in!"

Ben has been to Rose's house before, it's a sleek and modern penthouse apartment like his. Jannah does law so they make enough to be downtown. Rose has the place filled with plants, one on every surface and some of the floor.

This place feels homier than his, especially with a cheese board set out and the game of Life next to it. "Did you bring booze?" Rose is walking off to the kitchen, wearing a blue maxi dress. She looks ethereal and angelic as always.

Ben holds up the bulging paper bag and Rose takes it, pulling out a large bottle of wine and a smaller bottle of Tito's vodka. "You're both saints." She takes them and sets the wine on the coffee table, headed to the kitchen. Rey moves to sit down on the couch and Ben sits next to her, placing a hand on her thigh.

“So how’s everything going with you two?”

Ben perks up and Rey answers, “Superb. He’s doing his job.”

Rose giggles, opening up the fridge. “I told you. Ben does his best.”

He reminds, “I’m right here you know.”

Rose rolls her eyes, “Then accept your compliments, dummy.” She comes back with two Moscow mules in copper mugs and Jannah comes out, taking a Bluetooth earpiece out of her ear.

Then she notices the two of them, offering a smile with a gap in her teeth in the middle. He can sense the work stress behind it, knowing the look well after Poe commenting on it a million times. He’s gotten to the point where his other startups run themselves almost, only having to travel twice a month to Manhattan to check on them.

“I was just asking Rey and Ben how their arrangement is going. They said it was really great.” Ben is fully aware Jannah is Rose’s Dom and would understand the exact thing he’s going through given they met when Rose’s parents died tragically and suddenly. The level of depression may not be the same, along with how it manifests in each girl, but the principle of taking care of a depressed person is the same. Jannah sits in an armchair next to the coffee table and takes a piece of hard cheese on a cracker.

“That’s good. Have you two done actual BDSM?” Rey stiffens up and so does he, and Ben shoves a piece of cheese into his mouth to have something to chew on. 

Rey says, “Uh, no. I’m not ready.” He’s glad she’s honest, not wanting to open up their sex life for all to see.

Jannah says, “Rose and I are going to a BDSM club next Friday if you two would want to join us. They have a lot of voyeur opportunities.”

Ben interjects, “I don’t think she’s ready for that-“

Rey interrupts, “Sounds fun. What time?” He looks over at her and takes initiative.

“Rey, could I talk to you on the balcony?”

She looks over, resembling a brand of anxiety that he’s seen before. Rose looks from the kitchen at them, watching on as Rey nods and swallows.

They walk out to the balcony and he shuts the door behind them. Rey crosses her arms over her chest, insecurity seeping from her every pore. “I don’t think we should go.”

Rey asks, “Why not?”

Ben sighs, “Because I know how this goes. You will get all excited and want to go super hard our first time trying it, I’ll have to deny you. You’ll be upset I denied you and then drop out of this.”

Rey stands in stunned silence and he swallows, “I’ve been through this before, I won’t go into details for her privacy but it fucked with me, Rey. I don’t want to do it again, I don’t enjoy denying pleasure.”

“Ben I wouldn’t just…drop you. I don’t know why you’d think that?”

He blurts, “Because I’m taking care of you and you wouldn’t lose anything if you dropped me.”

The silence is deafening and Rey stares at him, her hands shoving into the pockets of her sweats as she looks at the ground. “I would lose you. I wouldn’t want to lose you when we’ve only just started with one another.”

He sighs in relief and she goes on, “But I do want to see the lifestyle that I might enter with you before I enter it. I think a BDSM club is the perfect opportunity to do that.”

Ben exhales before shrugging, “If you want to do this, promise me you won’t get hasty. I’m not pushing your limits, I am a mean Dom.”

“Deal. I assumed you were harsh, given all my love bites.”

“That’s not me being mean, that’s me being smart.”

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He loosens up with alcohol.

Rey is glad because she doesn’t think she could handle his contemplation for another minute, the silent worry he exudes after they made their deal.

Rey doesn’t necessarily know the ultimate schematics of BDSM so a club would be helpful. His guidance would also be preferred, but he’s touchy. 

She’s had three kids in the game of Life so far, and he’s had four. Rey refused to get married, stating, “Marriage is archaic. I prefer fuck buddies who live together and combine their finances.”

He got married though, bashfully putting in the pink peg person. He mumbles, “My wife and I will be over here while you and your fuck buddy fight over money.”

She can’t tell how much her eyes rolled, only seeing the back of her skull.

She knows it’s all over when he gets the doctor card, a stroke of sheer luck that makes her jealous. He will obviously win with his millions of dollars in cash, while her teacher’s salary of forty-five thousand is barely getting her by.

He’s a good sport though, and at one point, he slips her a hundred thousand bill beneath the coffee table. She hears him giggle for the first time, her heart swelling too big, when she has to sell her house and buy a mobile home.

“Can I just buy her one? I’ve got cash to burn.”

Jannah and Rose glance at each other, Jannah playing banker since they determined she’s the least likely to cheat. “I suppose so if Rey is okay with that.”

Rey contemplates for a moment, then nodding her head. Ben draws three different cards. “I get to pick though.”

“What will your wife think?”

He snorts, “She need not know.” 

“Ben Solo, you dog.” He pays for a nice eight hundred thousand dollar craftsman, still having a large stack of fake cash. Rey smiles to herself and takes her new house card.

“This is only to give you a chance.”

“Oh, how sweet of you.”

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He wins.

Obviously he does, he has every game advantage going for him. Rey comes in last, having run into an unfortunate hurricane with no home insurance. 

Rey is yawning and a little tipsy by now, so he whispers, “Want to head out?”

She nods and she looks at Rose. “We’re going to go.” Rose nods and Jannah is picking at her nails.

She reminds, “Get back to me about the BDSM club, Rey.” Rey nods.

“We’re coming. Just text me the deets.” She gets up and finishes the rest of her glass of wine, and Ben stands as well. He pulls up the Uber app and requests a ride, not wanting to walk all the way home.

Rose and Rey hug, then Jannah and Rey. Rose comes up to him, “I know you’re not a hugger-”

He offers out his arms and she smiles gleefully, hugging him tightly. Ben wraps his arms around her and sways with her. She pulls away and goes to Jannah’s side, Rey stepping over to him. She says, “I’ll see you guys soon.”

Rose and Jannah nod and they take their leave, the Uber sitting outside. They wait for them luckily and he opens up the door for her to get in. Rey lays her head on his shoulder and grabs his thigh.

The drive is quiet as the anticipation builds between them, like a baby with blocks. The Friday night traffic is rough but welcome as he thinks through why a BDSM club could be a good idea. He’s got no clue how it could be, but it’s the thought that counts.

The Uber stops outside of her apartment and Rey says a quiet, “Thank you.” Then she gets out of the car, and he follows behind, holding her hand as they walk into her building. They take the stairs despite the soreness in his legs that’s building from the gym, and he knows it’s because he didn’t have a protein shake after strength training.

They enter her apartment and Rey opens up the door to her balcony, letting in the breeze. She then closes the drapes and begins to undress. He mumbles, “Let me do that.”

She turns around and stops, pulling her sweats back up. Then she steps closer to him and he sits on the edge of the bed. She sits in his lap a moment later. Rey pushes a hand through his hair, “What can I do to satisfy you, sir?”

She knows he likes titles and she’s apparently feeling in the mood to use them. That makes his face light up before slating back to serious. “Hm. There’s a lot you could do.”

She raises her brows and he decides, “Get on your hands and knees then.”

She does as she’s told, getting off his lap and getting on her hands and knees between his legs. Ben unzips his jeans, heaving his cock out of his briefs. It’s a little hard, but her mouth will aid in the process greatly. “Have you done this before?”

Rey nods, “Freshman year.”

“I’ll go easy on you.” She snorts and wraps her fist around his cock after spitting into her hand. She pumps up and down, leaning her head down to suck on his balls. The sensation makes his spine tingle and he grabs the back of her head, trying not to push down but trying to wind his hand through her hair.

“Did you not want me to go easy?”

“I’m not porcelain.” Then she licks a stripe up his cock before mouthing down the side of it with big eyes.

He pulls her hair as gently as he can, getting her attention. “Suck my cock, don’t play with your fucking food.”

“Patience, Sir.”

She’s testing him and he glares at her. Smiling, she wraps her lips around the tip of his cock and sucks, tongue swirling along his slit and collecting any pre-cum that appears as he gets hard. She bobs her head then, and he feels his wrist flex and release with each bob of her head. 

She gags around him when she goes too deep, writhing a little on her hands and knees. Her hand wraps around the base as she pulls off, wiping away the trail of sloppy spit. Her breath is ragged and he leans down and kisses her tenderly, not minding the salty tang of his pre-cum on her tongue.

Their lips are an inch apart when he whispers, “Keep going.”

She does as she’s told, tapping him against her tongue a few times before going back to blowing him. He yanks her hair when he feels like he’s going to come down her throat. Rey pulls off and she looks up at him again with big eyes that make his heart melt.

“Get on the bed, hands and knees.”

“Yes, sir.” She gets up on the bed and wiggles her sweats covered butt teasingly. He’s tempted to slap her cheek through the fabric to make her jump. He doesn’t, focusing on pulling his pants down and yanking her to the edge of the bed. Then he pulls her sweats down just enough so he can access her pussy, noticing she’s not wearing any panties.

He lines up with her entrance, only pushing the head in and watching her twist up a little. “Please?”

“Please what?”

“Please, Sir.” He pushes in as quickly as he can, and she whines loud. Ben revels in how tight she is, taking a moment to let her adjust to him before he thrusts slow.

He varies his speeds this round, reaching down past her to rub her clit on and off to torture and tease. She’s putty in his hands after three minutes of this, a whiny mess who’s begging for him deeper and faster anytime she opens her mouth.

Eventually, she just repeats his name with each thrust, and he lets her have it, combining rubbing her clit with the fast thrusts. He tries to hold back from coming as long as he can but he comes first, spilling into her and continuing to rub the little nub at the apex of her thighs.

She comes with shaky legs and a loud shout, burying her face into the bed and whimpering into the pillow as he pulls out and taps himself off on her. Then he brings his hand down across her ass, Rey shooting forward.

He apologizes immediately, “Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that-”

She’s quiet, “I liked it.” Rey sits up shakily, sore and spent.

“All right, I’m going to give you the best aftercare of your life. Ready?”

She nods, “Ready.”

He nods, “I don’t have my dom bag-”

“You have a dom bag?” He nods and she giggles. 

“Oh, shut up. I have arnica in my gym duffle though so I’ll go grab that.” She reaches for him quickly but he dodges her.

He says, “It’ll just be a second, it’s so your ass won’t bruise.” Ben turns to the door and walks towards it while tucking himself back in and pulling up his jeans.

“Please don’t leave me.”

He looks back at her and her vulnerability cuts to the bone. Ben looks from the door back to her, before choosing her.

He walks back to her and leans down to kiss her sweetly. “Okay, I won’t. Do you have anything I can put on you?”

She shakes her head and he hums, “Okay. You won’t blame me if you bruise tomorrow then?”

She mumbles, “Not at all.” Then she scoots away from him and takes off her sweater, throwing it in the hamper and putting the contents of her pockets on the nightstand. She gets underneath the covers and reaches for her water bottle.

She sips delicately and Ben strips down. “You want food?” She shakes her head and he gets into bed with her. 

“Cuddles?” She nods at that and he pulls her to his chest, rubbing her back and watching her nuzzle into him and inhale. 

“You doing alright?”

“Just need you.”

Does she need him? It feels nice to be needed, especially by the likes of a girl like her. 

“I’m right here, I promise I’ll stay right here.”

“You better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was fast. leave a comment, those are chill. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["delicate" by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pISXJ6ChdGI)


	9. walk in your rainbow paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She comes out of her apartment building, wearing a black minidress and black pumps. A leather jacket is on her shoulders, and the sight is absolutely delicious. She gets into the car. He greets her, trying to keep the anxiety out of his tone, “Hey.”
> 
> She replies while clicking on her seatbelt, “Hey. I’m really excited.”
> 
> He asks, “Yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> bdsm stuff  
> mental health  
> alcohol drinking (1 beer from ben)

Ben is nervous.

It’s very clear he is nervous by the way his hands drum on the steering wheel and how he stares straight out the windshield like he’s seen a ghost. 

The BDSM club is tonight, and Rey is clearly running every little detail as a PTA mom would. They’ve coordinated with Ben’s Friday night work schedule and have decided to go at a crisp seven-thirty, in the party's thick. They have to be out by ten, but he assumes Rey won’t stay the whole time.

She comes out of her apartment building, wearing a black minidress and black pumps. A leather jacket is on her shoulders, and the sight is absolutely delicious. She gets into the car. He greets her, trying to keep the anxiety out of his tone, “Hey.”

She replies while clicking on her seatbelt, “Hey. I’m really excited.”

He asks, “Yeah?”

She nods and he pulls into traffic from his parallel space. “Yeah. Rose said that there’s a lot for me to see and learn about here.”

He nods, “Yeah, Rose and I have been to this club before, with our respective partners. They do have a couple of rules.”

She perks up and he goes on, “No cellphones, no alcohol, no harassing people. If you want to ask questions, ask me since most will be mid-scene and will not want to break for you.”

She nods, “I figured all of that. Anything else I should know?” 

Ben sets his jaw before puffing out his nose at the next thought he has, “Single men will try to talk to you because you look gorgeous. You are **mine** , my sub.”

She says, “I know.” Ben stops at the stoplight and looks over at her.

“It’s not that I’m jealous-”

She interrupts, “You’re very jealous, but it’s okay. It makes me wet.” He can’t help but smile and accelerate forward as he looks for parking spaces in front of Rose’s and Jannah’s. He finds one a little down from their building and parks, calling Rose on the Bluetooth car speaker.

The phone rings and Rey listens. Rose picks up, “We’re on our way down.”

“Perfect, see you soon.”

“Bye Benny boy.” He hangs up and sits back a little more and Rey snorts.

“I will call you that now.”

He grumbles, “Don’t you dare.” She reaches for his hand, kissing his knuckles. 

“You know how much I enjoy being cared for by you?” 

He asks, “How much.”

She whispers, “So much.” Rose and Jannah get into the car then, closing their doors and clicking their belts. Jannah sits behind Ben’s seat and Rose sits behind Rey and reaches up to snap the straps of her dress. 

“What’s this sexy thing?” Rey blushes deep and he tries very hard not to let his cock grow hard at that, or the way her thighs press together. 

“It’s a dress.” 

“How cute. I like it better than mine.” Rey looks back as he pulls out into the street, glancing her dress up and down. Ben looks at it in the rearview, seeing it’s a blue and white China floral pattern with a sweetheart neckline and tight sleeves. 

Rey says, “I love yours. Jannah, tell me I’m right.” 

Jannah nods, “You’re right.” Rey reaches over to hold his thigh and he smiles to himself. He wants to be alone with her already, or inside the dark of the club where he can stick his hand up her dress and let her rut into his palm.

The drive is uneventful, and Ben pays for parking close to the club. It’s in the middle of downtown, in a basement to add to the exclusivity. You need to be a member, but members allowed to bring one guest. Rey gets out of the car when he opens the door for her and she reaches for his hand after he shuts it. They link and Rose and Jannah do the same, starting the short walk to the club.

Rey can keep up in heels, surprisingly enough. He would’ve expected her to be inexperienced and coltish, but she strides like the best of them. She takes the stairs carefully upon his insistence, and they get in the line for the check-in. Ben gets out his membership card, as do Rose and Jannah. 

Rey looks at them, “You have to be a member?”

Ben nods, “Yep. Customary for these types of places. You can bring one unregistered play partner though.” 

“Play partner?”

He clarifies, “Sub, dom, whatever you call your partner that you do BDSM with.” She nods and tucks in close to his side, Ben looking around to make sure no one is staring or listening in.

He then whispers, “If you want to play, we have to do it privately and away from everyone’s eyes. And it has to be in line with what I think you’re ready for.”

“What if I think-”

“You cannot just _think_ you’re ready for something, you have to believe you’re ready for it and I have to also buy that you’re ready so I can do it to you. It’s mutual trust Rey, BDSM would basically be abuse if there wasn’t trust or consent.” 

She nods, understanding him. Ben kisses the top of her head and steps up to the counter, looking at the petite blonde checking cards and taking cellphones or providing tape for the cameras if one needs to keep them. Rey gets out her cellphone as he hands over his card and says, “I’m checking in one guest as well.”

Then he sets his cellphone down and she takes both of them, putting them in a bag and labeling it with a number on a ticket. She rips the ticket and hands it to Ben, and he puts it in his wallet. Rey’s hand is stamped with a giant: **GUEST**. 

“You guys can head in! Have a fun time.” Rey beams and Ben puts his arm over her shoulder, walking her into the BDSM club for the very first time.

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This place is candy land upon first sight.

Rey has spent the last couple of days researching BDSM, getting comfortable with the toys and the schematics of the act. She wanted to know more about sub-space as well, why she gets so warm and fuzzy when he tells her to do things.

There’s no easy answer for that last one since everyone is different. But Rey knows that she is a bonafide submissive, just based on the internet quizzes she took and some self-reflection. She still has to get over the notion that being submissive means giving up power in life too.

She can still be a bad bitch and still want her dom to spank her until she’s bruised. Right?

Rey looks around the basement as she takes in all the sights and sounds. There are mostly people mingling around different pieces of BDSM furniture. A red-haired girl is tied to two padded boards in a frame that resembles an X. It exposes her ass and back for everyone to see while her dom, a larger bald-headed man wields a whip. 

Rey looks away instinctually as she hears a crack and a weak moan, refocusing on a man tied up with so many ropes that it makes Rey’s head spin. He’s got a gag in his mouth and he whimpers as his dom fingers his ass, holding his chin up as he does it so he can look directly at the audience they’ve accumulated. 

Ben leans down and she’s aware again that he’s with her, and whispers in her ear, “Do you like anything you see?”

Rey is mostly curious. Not to the point of loving it yet, but a healthy curiosity that kills no one. It’s a great start in her mind and she will not push herself further, at his insistence. Rey has a habit to fall into things too hard and fast.

“Let’s move to one room without bondage furniture. Give you an opportunity to see what we could do with a bed.” She nods along and spots Rose and Jannah holding each other and watching the lesbian pairing. The brunette with a high bun is torturing a bleach blonde with pigtails with a vibrator while she’s strapped to a medical table.

They walk past the crowds and into a hallway where people make out, talk, or do other nefarious things. He holds her hand and Rey hears a wolf whistle from behind her that gets her to look back at the blonde man. Ben hears it too and whips around, and she holds him back from advancing towards him and having words.

The man gets the hint, holding up his hands in defense. Ben scowls at him and Rey shoves him forward and into a room where other people congregate. A girl is getting thrust into, her hands tied behind her back as she whines and moans load.

Rey looks up at him, still seeing him breathe hard. She kisses his cheek and rubs his back, paying attention to the seams of his blazer as she does. “I’m okay.”

“You’re not a piece of meat.”

“You would’ve rather had him come up to me and disrespect me?” 

“No-”

“Then count your blessings that he just whistled. I’m all yours.” She kisses his shoulder next, not caring about the gloss that transfers off on the fabric. They both watch the sight in front of them.

He mumbles, “We could start with something like that. I’m trained in rope.” 

She asks, “Trained in rope? What does that mean?”

He says, matter-of-factly, “I’ve taken enough classes to tie someone up safely, basically.” 

Rey looks back at the sight and back at him, “Can we do that soon?”

He shakes his head, “Let me think about it, okay?”

She nods and refocuses on the girl who’s now crying and begging for release as her dom edges her. She practically chants, “Please let me come, please please please.”

Rey feels bad for her, and Ben has a weird sense of satisfaction on his face.

She wants to be the reason for that satisfaction.

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“So did you two have fun?”

They all walk out of the club, Rey holding her heels in her hands and Ben waiting for the right moment to pick her up to flash no one. He’s painfully hard in his slacks and has been for the last hour and a half. It’s been pure torture every time she brushed up against him or wiggled, and he wants to just whip out his dick in the nearest dark corner of this hellhole city and jack off like a feral animal.

Jannah’s red dress blows in the wind in front of them, holding Rose tight to the side of her body. Rose asks, “Did you have fun, Rey?” 

Rey nods quickly, “Lots of fun. It was interesting.” Ben looks down at her bare feet.

“Can I carry you?”

She asks, “Why? I can walk like this.”

“It’s not smart, I don’t want you to step on anything.” He also wants his hands on her immediately, more than they already are. 

She eventually nods and he leans down, scooping her up into a bridal carry while her shoes dangle out of her hands. Rose giggles as they start to walk.

“Oh he’s whipped, Rey.”

He warns, “I’m right here.” 

“Isn’t he? My little dom is so cute.” She pinches his cheeks and he sticks his tongue out at her, shaking her off of him and continuing to carry her. The car is close by in one of those exorbitantly expensive lots, and he gently sets Rey down by her door. He then opens it up for her and she gets in, clicking her seatbelt and tossing her shoes on the mat.

He closes the door and gets in the driver’s side, starting the car as Jannah and Rose make out in his backseat. Rey giggles, but he shushes her, focusing straight ahead and pulling out into traffic. 

They keep the drive quiet, trying to push out the soft sucking and lip-locking noises emanating from the backseat. Ben finally parks in front of their place, clicking his tongue to get their attention. “Ride is over, punks.”

Rose hisses, “You could be nicer.” Then she leans over the seat and kisses Rey’s cheek.

“Glad you had fun pumpkin, text me if you have any questions he won’t answer.” Ben rolls his eyes and Jannah yanks Rose from the car. They walk into their building, hand in hand, and Ben is sort of envious of that easy love. He wishes she had it.

Ben lays his head against the seat and groans and Rey looks over at him. “You all right?”

“Just so hard right now. It’s fucking unbearable.” She looks down at his slacks and sure enough, he’s bulging against the fabric. She reaches to wrap her hand around it but he slaps it away.

“Patience. Let’s wait until we get to mine.”

She asks, “Yours?”

He nods and she says, “I don’t have an overnight bag or anything.” Ben swallows.

“What would you need in an overnight bag?”

She answers, “Phone charger.”

“Got one.”

“Clothes.”

“Can wear one of my tees.”

“Makeup remover.”

“I do have face wash like a civilized man.”

She huffs, “Tampons.”

“Are you on your period?”

She shakes her head and he shrugs, “I’ve got some of those, anyway.” 

“They’re not the ones I like.” 

“Can you have a preference?”

She looks shocked. “Uh, yes. I like the regular absorbency, for example.”

He snorts, “This is all rhetorical, anyway. Are we going to mine or not?”

She eventually nods and he gets on the road again, headed for his apartment. Rey holds his thigh, close to his bulge and making sweat bead on the back of his neck. Luckily the drive is quick, only ten minutes of this before he pulls into the underground garage.

Rey gets out of the car by herself, not waiting for him. He’s a little worried she’s mad at him until she links their hands and tugs him towards the door inside. They take the elevators up to his floor, hurrying to his door. Ben taps the fob against it and opens it up, stepping inside with her and slamming the door beside them.

He’s shrugging off his blazer when she asks, “What can I do, sir?”

He looks up, hanging it in the hall closet and watching her drape her leather jacket over her arm like a waiter with a towel. “What do you mean?”

She steps closer and he instinctually grabs her hips, “Can I do anything? Make you a drink, rub your feet, what can I do? You do it for me and I just want to reciprocate.” Ben looks down at her and he can tell she’s trying to open up a scene but doesn’t know what to do.

He helps her out, kissing her gently while combing through the ends of her hair. Then he straightens up, puffs out his chest a little, and says in his deep dom baritone, “Go to the fridge and get me a beer.”

She nods and scurries away, and he walks to the sectional couch in the living room. Then he plops down, kicking up his feet and leaving his pants on despite the restriction of the fabric. She comes back with a bottle and sits down next to him, holding it out. He takes it, kissing her behind the ear before taking a long swig. One beer will not do shit to him. 

“Anything else?”

He glances down to his bulging cock and back to her. “Suck my cock.”

She nods, pushing her hair from her face. Ben reaches for the remote, turning on the television. He’s good at playing the indifferent dom, the one who acts like he’s not pleased or displeased. She opens up his belt and unzips his slacks, heaving his cock from his briefs and into her face. The head is reddened, leaking pre-cum. She licks her lips.

Then he refocuses on the television, taking a swig of beer and almost choking when she grabs the shaft with both of her hands before hunching down and wrapping her lips around the head of his cock. It’s such an insidiously quick action that he moans unintentionally, not wanting to reward her with pleasure yet.

Bobbing her head up and down, he winds a hand in the back of her hair and pulls and pushes her up and down on his cock, fucking her mouth with occasional little thrusts. She’s gagging and snotty, drool trailing between her lips and the head as she pulls off with ragged breaths.

“Did I tell you to stop?”

“No, Sir.”

“Then keep going until I come, you’ll get a reward.” She takes him back in her mouth at that and she coughs around his cock as it chokes her once more. Ben doesn’t care, knowing she can take it. 

Eventually, she gets a good rhythm that has his breath hitching and his beer set down on the coffee table. It doesn’t taste long for him to come down her throat, shooting ribbons into her mouth. She holds him in her mouth the whole time, sucking and milking his cock for all it’s worth. 

Once he softens, she pulls off. “Show me your mouth.”

She opens her mouth to show a coating of creamy white cum on her tongue before she closes it and swallows. He whispers, “Good girl.”

“Thank you.”

There’s a pause. Then she asks, “So my reward?”

He laughs and stands up, scooping down and picking her up. “Let’s check the bedroom for it.”

“Good call.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got this out fast i guess. leave a comment, i like those a lot. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["adore you" by harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iquhBgM-Qv0)
> 
> [rey's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/christine-dress?color=Black&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)   
>  [jannah's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/nikita-dress?color=Juliette)   
>  [rose's dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/grant-dress?color=Olympia&via=Z2lkOi8vcmVmb3JtYXRpb24td2VibGluYy9Xb3JrYXJlYTo6Q2F0YWxvZzo6Q2F0ZWdvcnkvNWE2YWRmZDJmOTJlYTExNmNmMDRlOWM2)


	10. i'm hopeless, broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She gorges herself on enough tacos that her belly hurts. Rey is on either side of the appetite spectrum when she's like this, ravenous or a monk that only eats a single grain of rice a day. Rey is starving, and she doesn't enjoy being in that state for too long, her punishment phase over with the arrival of Ben.
> 
> Ben also stress eats in silence, a nature documentary playing on her laptop while he does. He’s eating like he wants to strangle it, and Rey bites her lower lip while watching him close the box and wipe his mouth with a napkin.
> 
> She asks, **“How’s work going?”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> mental health stuff  
> character breaks a door down  
> Mention of babies

Depression fucking blows.

When things go well, she creeps up and hits you with a sucker punch that rattles your teeth and breaks your nose.

The trigger is bad feedback from her professor on her latest freelance piece she had her read over as a favor. Rey trusts Holdo implicitly with her writing but goddamn it, the woman provides whammies of feedback on the things you love.

It leaves her defeated and unwilling to write more, which locks her in a creative depression spiral like none other. Rey believes that without writing, she has no purpose. Feedback shouldn’t change that but it does in the sickest way.

Ben blows up her phone while she does this isolation, only three days after their BDSM club night. That night had been a spot of good in the dark, something fun and nurturing for her soul and self.

Apparently, he’s too busy to crawl up her ass and die there, so she feels even more unloved. She’s not ignoring him for attention, but she wants the Ben that brought her two sushi rolls and forced her to eat. 

It’s day two and Rey’s been in bed, in the dark since the morning. It’s six o’clock, her mouth tastes fucking foul and she hasn’t eaten or drank. She knows he’s probably seeing the radio silence with her water bottle on his app, which makes the guilt even worse. She’s probably stressing him out to the max, and she doesn’t want to be that sub who destroys her dom’s sanity. 

She doesn’t have long to think about what a shitty person she’s being to him. There are three booming knocks on her door that get her to look over, rolling over in bed and staring at the front door. 

She knows exactly who it is, but she can’t bring herself to get up. Then her phone rings on the charger, and she doesn’t grab it. Then she hears another loud bang on her door, and finally, the sound of a lock breaking and the door pops open. Rey sits up quickly.

Ben _stalks_ into the room, looking at his surroundings before setting his sights on her. His chest heaves like some sort of erotic romance novel lead. 

Her voice is hoarse, “Did you just break my fucking door-”

“Are you ghosting me?” 

Oh.

Does it look like that? Rey bites her lip and Ben clenches his fists tight. “If you are, I would like to know so I can start not liking you as soon as possible.” 

Rey shakes her head quickly, and he slams the door shut, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s wearing his clothes from work still, a pale blue dress shirt and black slacks. “You broke my door-”

“I’ll fix it. I’m sorry I broke your door but I genuinely have thought you were dead these past twenty-four hours.”

She could see why he would think that. Ben sets his jaw as he stares at the floor, “I just...I don’t know maybe I overreacted. I apologize. What’s wrong with you right now?” 

He paces, and it makes Rey nervous, especially when he bites the end of his thumb. Rey doesn’t know how to explain her bad brain but she tries for both of their sakes, “Everything just feels meaningless. My life, my work, a lot of stuff. I don’t get why I’m doing this.” 

Ben stops pacing, and he sits down on the edge of her bed. Rey wraps up tighter in her comforter and he says, “I will not lie and say that my twenties were the best, because they weren’t. Rey, you’re not alone in what you’re going through.” 

She figures she’d return the reassurance, “Neither are you. You’ll never be alone as long as I’m here.” Then he sighs, brushing through his hair and burying his face in his hands. His breaths even a little more.

Then he lifts his head, looking over at her and looking her up and down. “Let’s get you into a shower.”

“Am I that greasy?” It’s been four days since she’s washed her hair last, usually only going every two days.

He shakes his head, “Not too bad, I just think a shower will help you out. Fuck, maybe even a bath.”

Rey shakes her head, “Shower. I’ll still shave my kitty for you.”

“Your _kitty_?” 

“My pussy. Better?”

He says, “Yes, I like that implication more for some reason. But don’t feel as if you have to do excessive steps for me.”

Rey reaches for her phone, “I have to put in a maintenance report for my door. Can you stay with me tonight so I’m safe?” He broke it, after all.

Ben remarks, “I was going to invite myself to do that, thanks. I need to get my bag out of my car.” 

Rey nods, and she can’t even imagine standing up right now. “Can you carry me to the bathroom, please?”

He nods and picks her up from the bed, holding her close and carrying her to the restroom. He sets her gently down on top of the toilet lid and strokes through her hair. “I’ll be back before you know it.” 

She nods and then leans over to turn the shower on while he walks out and shuts the door. Normally Rey makes showers into an event, but she’s not feeling any music right now. There’s no point in it when you just sit at the bottom of the spray, and you’re not moving your body enough.

Rey starts the spray and contemplates everything. She just had a man break down her door because she‘s depressed and instead of grateful, she’s overwhelmed. 

Will these feelings subside like the tides?

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

She eventually leaves the shower, and Ben can’t stop pacing her room like a hyena without meat.

Sure, he doesn’t fully understand why Rey went full ghost mode on him, or what he did to warrant it.

She squeezes out her hair while she walks past Ben, and he stops his pacing as quickly as he can while she gets dressed in a large tee and long tube socks. When she turns back around, his cock would get hard if he wasn’t so confused as to why she was upset.

Rey seems to sense his continuing distress and steps up to him, grabbing along his jaw. “I know you want to feed me and desperately tell me to drink water, so why don’t you do that?” He slides his phone out of his back pocket and unlocks it between them, opening DoorDash like a secret mistress he’s ashamed of.

Rey walks away from him and gets back in bed, and Ben grabs her water from her nightstand, feeling it completely empty. “How long since you last drank?” Rey’s on her phone, probably putting in an emergency maintenance request for her door. He’ll pay for it, given it’s his fault. 

She shrugs, and he sighs, filling up her water from the sink. Then he hands it over to her, sitting on the edge of the bed as he scrolls DoorDash for anything late night, nutritious, and still enticing enough for her to eat.

He eventually lands on Tex-Mex and hands her the phone. Rey scrolls through, looking at the options before eventually tapping her finger on the screen a few times and handing the phone back to him. Ben picks tamales, given he has taste.

Then he presses order, seeing it load and eventually the tracker screen pop up. He ignores it and tosses his phone aside, getting up to strip down. Rey is sipping from her bottle, holding her belly delicately and his paranoia takes over, “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Rey looks about as horrified as he feels. “God no. I don’t think I would isolate if I was. I would probably tell the father as soon as possible.”

He sighs in relief, “Good because while I like you a lot, I am not ready under any circumstance to have a baby with you.”

She says, “Good, I guess. Normally I would be irrationally offended but you’re a busy man.” He nods in agreement.

“Also my genetics don’t lend well to children.”

Rey cocks her head, and he continues, “Big nose, big ears, big feet-”

She interrupts, “Big dick too. Your point?”

He says, “I don’t think people like babies with dumbo ears.”

Rey crosses her arms over her chest in defiance, “I think people love those babies, you’re just not giving yourself enough credit.”

Ben allows, “You might be right.” He won’t let her get the full scoop into his self-hating psyche, why it’s easy to control women in bed and now in life.

Rey lays back against the pillows and he continues to change into sweats and a tee, sipping from his own water. “So I assume fucking is out of the cards?” She’s on her phone beneath the covers, and he shakes his head.

“Eat first and maybe I’ll bend you over for worrying me.” She giggles at that and rolls onto her side, setting her phone aside and reaching up for him. He leans over, and they kiss, fingers knotting in his tee.

The kiss has legs, lasting and wanton as their lips move against each other. 

It's perfect, despite the situation.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

She gorges herself on enough tacos that her belly hurts. Rey is on either side of the appetite spectrum when she's like this, ravenous or a monk that only eats a single grain of rice a day. Rey is starving, and she doesn't enjoy being in that state for too long, her punishment phase over with the arrival of Ben.

Ben also stress eats in silence, a nature documentary playing on her laptop while he does. He’s eating like he wants to strangle it, and Rey bites her lower lip while watching him close the box and wipe his mouth with a napkin.

She asks, “How’s work going?” Ben looks at her before shrugging.

“It’s work. You know.” He sits back against the headboard, cracking his knuckles. He’s a lot calmer than when he came in and she’s secretly grateful. 

Ben then grabs for her hand, pulling it to his face to kiss each of her knuckles. Rey scoots closer and lays her head on his chest. “I want to do more BDSM with you.”

He sighs, “You’re not in the mental state to be doing anything in that realm. Give it a week or two.”

Maybe he’s right, but she doesn’t like that he is. “But you’re willing to do it with me?” 

“Yes. I always have been, but I also know your limits. Or I think I do anyway, and right now is not the right time. You need a clear head for this kind of stuff.”

She shrugs, “I suppose so but maybe it would make me feel better-”

“Not happening. I shouldn’t even fuck you tonight.”

The shutdown feels like a machete coming down on her wrist, not quite severing clean. Ben feels her flinch, it’s evident in how he holds her closer. “Because your head isn’t clear. I don’t want you to do something you’d regret if your head was clear.” 

He’s right, there is a perpetual fog of hatred for herself racking her brain every single minute of every day right now. Normal people don’t have to deal with shit like this, and she finds herself wiping at her eyes. Ben holds her even tighter than before, stroking through her hair and crushing her ribs. She can’t help but begin to softly cry, sniffling her snot and clutching him like a koala to its mother. She sobs, “I just want to be happy.”

Ben is quiet as she continues, “I’ve never been happy and I’ve always been alone, and now I’m not alone and I’m still not happy.” 

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” He rubs her back and kisses the top of her head.

Rey keeps softly sobbing, not knowing what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a bit. leave a comment, those r pretty cool. thoughts and feelings are welcome @ [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah) and [tumblr](https://dankobah.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["golden" by harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W5CI9DxZr8)
> 
> [tube socks](https://www.sockbroker.com/white-striped-tube-socks-sb401aab?filter_name=sb-401aab&gclid=CjwKCAiA1rPyBRAREiwA1UIy8CS0FuSCkAyDolIYADmkRggaR3-wOYLsHGhZiPDHYeYBpZNayVXoABoC5XkQAvD_BwE)


	11. 'cause the devil is raging inside my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She keeps her thighs closed as she trains her eyes on Ben. He’s lifting major amounts of weight and staring at things like he wants to crack their skull open.
> 
> **It’s the hottest thing she’s seen.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags   
> loving someone  
> working out  
> mental health stuff (depression, crying)

The night isn’t good.

Rey wakes up crying every so often, shaking his shoulders with whimpers that break his poorly mended heart. Ben’s been broken many times but listening to her cry and be unable to get all her frustrations out in the open is horrible.

He’s used to his sleeping pattern being shit, so he still wakes up at a crisp five-thirty. He’s got a training session with Finn and he notices that Rey is awake and on her laptop, sitting up in bed. She looks over and wipes at her eyes. 

“Sorry I couldn’t sleep.” 

Ben nods, sitting up. “I have a training session with Finn, and I thought maybe you’d like to get out of the house?” He’ll do anything to entice her to come with him.

Luckily, she doesn’t require much convincing. “Yeah, do I have to work out or can I just sit and look pretty?”

He shrugs, “You can do whatever you want. Hell, you can watch me.” Ben gets out of bed and walks to his backpack on the floor, pulling out his gym shorts and moisture-wicking tee. Rey gets up, and he watches her while he changes. She picks up the electric kettle, filling it with water and putting it back on the base. She turns it on, the blue illuminating the water.

Then she gets dressed like him, and their synonymous morning routine takes shape. She brushes her teeth while he does, looking sleepy as all hell.

Eventually, they’re both ready, Rey wearing a pair of black leggings with a large tee, hair thrown into the typical three buns. She puts on a hoodie over the whole ensemble and grabs her bottle. Ben is busy mixing up his pre-workout, rainbow candy flavored. 

She kisses between his shoulder blades and he sips the frothy pink liquid, tasting the sugary sweetness. “Ready to go?”

“Can we get breakfast after?” 

Does she want to get out of the house? Fully? He smiles, “Yeah. Let’s go.” They head out of her apartment and Rey futilely tries to lock her door for five minutes until Ben locks it with sheer force and will. 

They go down to his BMW in a visitor’s space and he unlocks it, both of them climbing in and slamming the doors shut. He turns on the car with a rumble and backs out of the space. Rey asks, “So what workouts are you going to do?”

He says, “I think today is leg and glutes day. So lots of lower body. I hate these days the most.” He’s much more of an upper arms type. Usually, his soreness on his lower body is off the charts, enough that he’s gotten massages on some days after.

She mumbles, “Sounds very...interesting.”

Finn’s gym is a short drive away from Rey’s and they arrive at the plain brick building with windows peeking inside. He parks in the back in the one guest space and they both get out, Ben yanking the gym duffle, that he left in his car with a change of clothes, out from the trunk.

Rey stands and rocks on her heels before following him inside of the back entrance to the gym.

Finn is a buff, dark-skinned man with a perfectly done fade. Recognition flashes across his face at Rey, and Ben wonders how they could know each other.

Finn then says, “Hey man.” He and Ben clap hands together and pull into the one-arm hug all men do when they don’t want to be too close. 

“This is Rey.”

Finn says, “I figured. Is she working out with us today?” Rey shakes her head.

“Just watching, unfortunately.” 

Finn says, “Well when you’re ready, I offer two free training sessions.” She raises her brows, along with Ben.

Ben remarks as he drops his duffle next to Rey, “I thought it was one.”

Finn says, “Two for girlfriends of good clients. Also classmates.” Finn winks, and Rey blushes, and Ben snorts. 

Then Finn steps back to him and says, “All right, it’s leg day champ.”

Ben questions, “Champ?”

Finn smiles, “Yeah, I know how pissed you get at pet names. I want you to get mad and throw a thousand pounds or some cool shit.” 

They stretch out their limbs, proper before every workout, and Finn makes sure Ben fully stretches and touches his toes before pushing a box behind him and saying, “Tricep dips. Ten of them.”

Ben asks, “Going easy on me?” 

“Just for that? Fifteen.”

Rey snorts and Ben’s eyes snap to her sitting by the front door, before smiling to himself.

Watching him is bound to be interesting for her.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

The sun goes up, and Ben trains.

Watching him is panty-wetting, all his grunts and groans and sweat. 

Finn is a surprise, knowing him from her Western Civilization class. He sits in the back, asks a few questions per class period, and said at the beginning of the year he was going back to higher education for a bachelor’s in athletic training and kinesiology. 

She didn’t register they were the same Finn until now. 

She keeps her thighs closed as she trains her eyes on Ben. He’s lifting major amounts of weight and staring at things like he wants to crack their skull open.

It’s the hottest thing she’s seen. 

Eventually, he finishes up with a cooldown on the treadmill, putting him on a low walking speed and letting him catch his breath. She walks up to him then while Finn deals with someone in the back.

Setting her hand on the railing of the treadmill, she says, “Is it crazy that I just want you to bend me over right here?”

Ben laughs out loud and then sees she’s serious. Rey stares at him with her most pleading eyes. He says, obviously, “Not here.”

“I know not here but…” she nervously bites her lower lip, “I’m worried you’ll come up with an excuse later.”

Ben slows the treadmill even further and sips more water. “I won’t. If the rest of the day keeps going well and you’re still sexually interested later, we’ll do something. I just want to make sure you’re okay first.”

That’s admirable, and she asks, “Besides breakfast, what are we going to do?” 

He replies, “Depends on what you want. I’m very okay with going home and watching Netflix. Or we can stay out of the house if you want to get some more vitamin D.” 

“I think just breakfast.”

Finn comes back into the room and another man is with him, shorter by an inch and with dark hair and dark eyes. 

She can tell who he must be based on Ben’s face and the way he then says, “Since when do you take the slot after me, Poe?”

Poe chuckles, “Since my boyfriend owned the gym.” Rey perks up and Poe looks at her.

“Who’s this?”

Ben stops the treadmill, “Rey, meet Poe. My annoying investment partner.” 

“Annoying is one of the nicest things you’ve said to me, Benny boy. Rey must be special.” Poe has that kind of “tap-dancing on your nerves because I feel like it” attitude that some people adore.

Rey is not one of them usually but there’s something fun about him. Rey says, “It’s nice to meet you.” Ben walks to his duffle and grabs a sweat towel, toweling himself off as Finn wipes down equipment. 

“I could say a lot worse if provoked. Finn, you need me for anything else or can I take my girl and get out of here?” Rey blushes at  _ my girl _ and Finn shakes his head.

“You’re all good.” Ben nods, hikes the duffle onto his shoulder, and he walks out, Rey following behind. 

Poe calls, “We should all get lunch sometime!” 

Ben waves it off, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He opens up her door for her when they get outside and she hops in the car. 

Then he gets in and closes the door, “Can’t wait to feed you and fuck you hard after.”

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

He does as he says. 

He takes her to breakfast and lets her order avocado toast and eggs benedict, and he sits around until she finishes every bite. Ben pays too, shaking his head when she tried to get out her wallet to pay. Overall, he treats her like a princess and Rey doesn’t know if she’ll ever be used to something like that.

He parks the car in a visitor space and she gets out, watching him as he does and seeing the soreness of his legs visible on his face. He leaves his gym duffle in the car and they walk into her building. 

It takes a minute of finagling to get her door open but he manages, popping it open with a shove. Rey strips off her leggings and just leaves her tee on, panties coming off as well. Then she fluffs the pillows, fills her water, and grabs her laptop from the charger. 

Ben gets her door locked and starts stripping off. “Can I take a shower first?”

She nods her head and then looks back down at her laptop screen, logging in and clicking on her browser. She then opens up Netflix and begins to aimlessly scroll while Ben sequesters himself in her tiny bathroom and even smaller shower.

Once he’s locked away and showering, she lays back on the pillows and reaches into her nightstand for her rabbit vibrator. There’s nothing wrong with being primed when you’re this depressed, performance anxiety being a real symptom for her. 

Sliding it to nestle inside of her, clit between the two vibrating prongs, she turns it on a low speed. She rolls her spine and giggles to herself at the sensation, lower lip tugged between her teeth.

Her eyes lid as she turns the speed up and eventually they close and she’s lost in the sauce. So lost that she doesn’t notice when the shower turns off, or when the door opens and Ben can plainly see her pleasuring herself.

She notices when a floorboard squeaks, and she jumps and throws the vibrator off of her and onto the floor. Ben grabs her thighs to keep them open and gets between them, mattress squeaking at the rapid movement. He then buries his face in her cunt and licks and sucks.

This feels different and more intimate, her belly knotting up as she traps his head, crushing her thighs into his ears. Ben forces them open again and holds them there as his tongue scoops and licks inside of her. He presses six little kisses on her pussy then, before dipping in a finger and continuing to pay attention to her clit. 

“Don’t stop.”

Ben presses another sloppy kiss as he fingers her and says, “Why would I? We’re having so much fun.” 

She whimpers and whines and a second finger enters her with fluidity. The stretch isn’t enough; she wants to be full now. She tightens and releases around him until he gets the message, pulling out. 

“You want my cock?”

She nods and adds, “Your big cock.” Then she pouts, and he laughs, hard against his thigh. He strokes himself between her legs, then tapping himself on her entrance and then lining up. Before she can think straight or look into his eyes, he pushes in and sheaths himself slowly inside of her.

He pushes as much as he can, then pulling out a fraction before trying even deeper. That makes her back arch as he hits her cervix and she cries out, “Back, back, back.” He does as he’s told, kissing her on the lips.

“Sorry, baby.” The word sounds like velvet on her cerebrum, a warm hug that lights a fire in her belly to  _ love _ .

Oh no.

She can’t love him. She doesn’t know why but her depressed brain is telling her he doesn’t love her the same so it’d be a waste.

Ben asks, coming into view, “You all right? You look panicked.” 

Rey nods her head and encourages with a weak voice, “Keep going. Your cock is so big that it’s an adjustment.” 

Her head needs an adjustment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the chapter after this ready so that'll come next week :)! thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["amen" by amber run](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEHzoTDmlSs)


	12. he knows just what it does when he's holding me tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose finally asks, “What gives?” That snaps her out of her pacing and she slows to a stop, then looking to her friend. Rose takes another sip.
> 
> “I think I,” she crosses her arms in weak defiance to what she’s about to confess, “ **love Ben**.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags  
> mental health stuff (depression, a caregiver during depression)  
> alcohol  
> food  
> a confession

She keeps up constant contact the next week. 

Rey does it for him but also herself, to keep herself accountable in these trying times as March turns to April. 

But loving him, realizing so, is gnawing at her like a teacup puppy on an ankle. How can she love someone ten years her senior? Like that fucking matters, Rey has no problem with older men at this point. Ben is mature, self-made, and a great caregiver. But what if he thinks himself as only a hybrid fuckbuddy and caregiver? What if she’s really nothing to him?

She paces Rose’s apartment, having come after class. She’s meeting Ben at his apartment later and another thing that’s eating at her is if there’s someone else. Realistically, he doesn’t seem to have time for anyone but her and himself, on top of his busy work life. 

But she wants to ask, and Rey is bad at asking about the tough stuff.

Rose watches her pace, sipping her Pimm’s cup that she made herself. Rey’s is untouched, too deep in thought. 

Rose finally asks, “What gives?” That snaps her out of her pacing and she slows to a stop, then looking to her friend. Rose takes another sip.

“I think I,” she crosses her arms in weak defiance to what she’s about to confess, “love Ben.” 

Rose’s eyes go wide and Rey sighs. Then Rose says, “Are you sure?” 

She nods, “I just get this safe feeling with him. I can’t describe it but I never want it to go away.” 

Rose mumbles, “That’s how I feel with Jannah. There’s also this certain need to be-”

Rey finishes, “Intimate with them? I’ve wanted him to cuddle me all week but have been too afraid to ask him to come over and do it.” She still has residual guilt from ghosting for twenty-four hours and didn’t want to inconvenience his week any further than she did the last one.

“That sounds like love to me. What are you going to do?” Rey finally sips her Pimm’s cup.

“Uh, that’s the thing. I don’t even know if he’s seeing other women.” 

Rose nearly drops her Pimm’s cup and Rey flinches. “You didn’t give him guidelines on that?”

She shakes her head and defends herself, “No one really told me how these things work!”

Rose nods and she sighs, “I would like to think I know Ben well enough to think he’s not doing something like that. The guy barely has any time beyond you and work.” That’s a correct point but Rey still worries, wringing her hands. 

Her phone vibrates in her back pocket and she pulls it out, seeing it’s Ben.

* * *

**| Ben - 5:35 PM |**

Out of work earlier than expected. Want to come over early? I can come get you.

* * *

Rey isn’t ready to be alone with him yet, not when her feelings are so tumultuous.

Rose snatches the phone from her and reads the text, then starting to type. Rey tries to snatch it back, “It’s my phone!” 

Rose shakes her head, “I’m inviting him over here since you’re not ready to face him alone.” 

Then she sends the text and tosses the phone back, and Rey exhales, sitting down on the couch. She stares at his immediate reply to the text.

* * *

**| Ben - 5:40 PM |**

Sounds good to me, I will pick up a bottle of wine and be right over.

* * *

He’s a good guest, that’s another reason why she loves him. Then she sets the phone down on the coffee table and lays her head on Rose’s shoulder as she drinks more out of her Pimm’s cup.

She needs to stop acting weird as soon as possible.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

Ben arrives at the apartment complex with a nice bottle of wine and his messenger bag over his shoulder, the car parked down the street in an expensive lot. The addition of a bouquet of roses is new.

Rey’s been acting off, so he figured flowers might do the trick. He doesn’t know if it’s possible to tell through text and nightly phone calls before she sleeps, but he can and he wants to know what’s wrong. 

He enters the apartment and checks in with the receptionist, already a pre-approved guest. He gets into the elevator and the receptionist touches a fob to the pad on the elevator wall, letting him pick the floor. “Thanks a lot.” She smiles and ducks out before the doors close. 

Ben focuses on the number as they climb floors, finally landing on fifteen. He gets out and traipses down the hall, stopping in front of their door and knocking. 

Rose opens it up and her eyes go wide at the bouquet. She’s teasing, “For me?” Ben snorts and shakes his head, looking past her for Rey. She’s on the couch, laying on her side and watching the television, not even noticing that he’s there.

Has he done something wrong? 

Rose lets him in and he asks, “Jannah working late again?”

Rose nods as they walk to the open concept kitchen and he sets the flowers on the counter, “Unfortunately. Thank you for bringing wine. Rey and I have been drinking since five.” 

Ben raises his brows and Rey sits up, looking back to the kitchen at them both. Ben finds the wine opener, and she gets up, walking to stand across the countertop from him. She’s still quiet, watching him with speculation as he opens up the wine. Rose is getting out glasses and Rey says, “I’m holding off for now. Can we order pizza?”

Ben nods, reaching for his wallet. Rey shakes her head, “I’ll pay for it. Yay or nay on pineapple?” He gags.

“Nay. Nay all the way.” 

Rey raises her brows, “Nay on pineapple. What do you like on your pizzas, Ben?” 

He shrugs, “I don’t eat pizza. Not apart of my diet.” 

Rey shrugs. “So if I get cheese with artichoke-” 

Rose intervenes, “I refuse to eat that monstrosity of a pizza again. I will order the pizza and pay.”

Ben snorts and pulls the cork easily, then pours the deep red merlot. He doesn’t prefer them but he knows the tastes of the two women, and they wouldn’t appreciate a nice cabernet as he would. 

He picks up his glass while Rose leaves the room to grab her laptop to order the pizza. It leaves him and Rey alone and he walks around the counter to walk straight up to her. Rey doesn’t back away, in fact, she gets close enough to touch thighs with him. 

Ben leans down and kisses right between her brows. “You all right?”

The question seems so shallow and he knows she will not tell the whole truth. Like he predicted, “Fine, just tired.” 

Normally, if he was being stupid that day, he’d let it go. Today is not one of those days, work making him into an authority figure to be reckoned with. “I don’t think so.”

She looks slightly taken aback before she looks to the floor. Ben strokes through her hair. It’s half-up-half-down today, and he twirls the ends around his large index finger. She admits, “A lot on my mind.”

“Anything you can talk about?” He wants to comfort her, nurture her. He should be the one ordering the pizza. 

She swallows and says, “Are you seeing anyone else?” 

The question throws him for a loop.

He could see other people? Not that he would want to, but did they not establish exclusivity? That’s his typical move, how could he forget?

Ben says, quickly, “No, god no. Did you think…”

She nods, and he feels a lump in his throat. She explains, “I knew you probably weren’t but my depression brain ran with it.” 

Ben shakes his head, “I’m not. I can guarantee I’m not. I don’t have time to.” Two women to take care of would just boggle his fucking mind. Then he picks her up in a hug, feeling her constrict around him and bury her face into his neck.

He never wants to let go.

△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△△

A movie plays on the TV screen, and Rey munches on her slice of cheese and artichoke pizza. Rose had gotten them each an individual pizza to their specifications, and Rey had gone for the disgusting kill.

Ben looks at it with disgust, already finished with four slices. She rolls her eyes and takes another large bite. He averts his eyes and eats his fifth slice of pepperoni and green pepper pizza. 

Rey sips the wine Rose poured for her from the bottle Ben brought, mingling well with the pizza. “You two can stay here tonight you know. If you really need to.” 

Ben shakes his head, “I’m good to drive. If Rey still wants to come to mine?”

Rey nods, “I do. Uh, can I take my pizza with?” 

Rey gets up and Rose nods. “Of course!” Ben closes his box and gets up as well, grabbing her box from her and walking to grab his messenger bag off the floor along with the flowers off the counter. He takes a moment to make sure he has his keys out while Rey collects her things.

She hikes her backpack over her shoulder and Rose watches them make sure they have everything together. “I’ll see you both soon. Thanks for hanging out with me.” 

Rey nods, and hugs Rose tightly. Ben gives her a hug too and they both take their leave. Ben leads the way to the elevator and Rey looks at the floor as she walks. Then he looks back at her and says, “Are you in the mood to do something tonight?” 

Something? Does he mean have sex?

She nods, “Of course.” She feels more relieved that no one else is in the equation besides them. It also makes her feel safer. 

He nods and smiles, and they manage to make it down to the lobby of the apartment complex. They break into the night air, and she walks close to him, tucking underneath his arm.

He asks, “How long does your depression usually last?”

She confesses, “I don’t remember a time within the last five years where there wasn’t sadness or apathy.” 

Ben nods, “I understand. But does being with me help?”

She nods and says, “It helps more than you’d know. Sometimes I don’t know how I’d be faring this semester without you.” Her good grades are a consequence of taking care of herself, she’s sure of it.

They come up to an expensive lot and walk inside and Rey is secretly glad he tried really hard to be here. Ben bites his lip, and unlocks his BMW, letting her set the pizzas in the backseat while he gets in the driver’s side.

Then she gets in and he’s backing out while she puts her seatbelt on and sets her bags at her feet. She took the bus to class today instead of biking, so a car is definitely a more welcome mode of transport.

The drive is quiet and Rey holds herself in insecurity the entire time. Is she actually in the mood? Or does she only want his attention on her?

Ben parks in his space and they enter the apartment building, Ben carrying the pizzas this time. He taps his fob on the applicable pads, and they get all the way into his apartment.

She sets her backpack on the couch and plops down, kicking out her socked feet. Ben puts the flowers in a vase and puts the pizzas in the fridge. Then he sits next to her, putting an arm over her shoulders and pulling her close.

“Is that all that was bothering you?” 

She shakes her head and he continues, “Then what else?”

“I don’t think I can talk about it.” She bites her lip and Ben nuzzles into her neck. 

“Tell me.” 

She sighs, “It’s really personal and I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” 

Ben kisses along her neck and then pulls away. “Then it’s probably a good idea that we don’t have sex.”

She flinches. She can’t help it, but that hurts more than she predicts. Rey rubs her cheeks and stares at the floor as Ben watches her. “Are you shutting down? Because it looks like you’re shutting down and we can’t do anything if you shut down.”

Rey feels tears slip down her face and her confession is eating at her internally, munching away and making her feel like a fucking cesspool of toxic sludge. She’s not worthy of him, she’d never be enough for Ben Solo.

All she seems to be is a depressed girl with no true ambition. Ben stares at her and Rey hiccups, wiping her nose on her arm so a slick sheen of snot comes off. She couldn't care less how disgusting she looks, maybe he’ll leave her once and for all. Maybe he’ll protect himself from the clingy monster she’s bound to become.

“Sweetheart, you need to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”

She rubs her eyes, mascara smearing off. The little girl inside is selfish, “I can’t. I can’t tell you because you’ll leave me.” She gets up and paces, stomach turning over itself.

People leaving is her worst fear. 

Ben shakes his head, “I will not leave. I’ll sooner willingly drag myself through hell.”

She won’t stop pacing and he makes her stop by gently grabbing her shoulders and holding her in place when she tries to turn around. 

She can’t get out and it forces her hand, “Ben, I-I-”

Does she really want to say it? 

No.

But she does. 

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["moonlight" by ariana grande](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEMlc3pCfAE)


	13. you see me as your lifeline (other boys and girls never really made you feel right)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He then asks, “Can you promise me something?”
> 
> “Depends.”
> 
> “Can you let me help you before you really drown? Because I have a feeling that your little bouts of depression you’ve had before aren’t the worst thing you’ve experienced.” He would be correct about that.
> 
> Rey struggles with it, but she allows, **“I’ll try.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags   
> angst train choo choo  
> mentions of infidelity (no one cheats, rey is just worried)  
> ben gets a little pushy  
> themes and discussion of mental illness

The blood rushes in his ears. 

The way she says those three words stop his heart and make his body feel like it’s suffocating. This doesn’t feel terrifying though. Ben feels electrified, a zap in the base of his spine that renders his legs momentarily useless so he can’t run.

Rey loves him.

Normally this would freak him out, get him to dash faster than a bunny rabbit on fire. This feels different, new. Ben  _ might  _ love her too. Scratch that, he does. It’s hard not to love someone as smart and intelligent as Rey 

Rey whispers, “And I just needed to get that off of my chest. It’s been eating away at me.” 

Ben realizes his mouth is slack and closes it before he answers, “I-I-” 

She looks so upset before he continues, “I love you too God, I love you so much.” His voice breaks when he admits it. Rey then looks as if she’s been shocked with a wire in water, eyes wide. 

He dreamily whispers, “It’s unfair how much I adore you. How much I want you to be happy is also unfair.” 

She looks overwhelmed before mumbling, “You love me?” A deep blush blooms like the roses on the kitchen counter, and he nods. Ben then drops his hands off of her.

“I do. God, obviously I do.” His love for her feels like a flashbang with the ability to open Nirvana. She takes a deep breath and she clasps her hands together, looking down between their bodies. 

She bites her lip and replies, “Well, I certainly didn’t expect this to be so easy.” 

Ben nods, “Me neither. But it feels right, correct?” He’s a logical monster, needing confirmation every six minutes on emotional things. 

She nods, smiling wide then with tears sparkling her vision.

“It does.”

* * *

They made love three times that night, every time softer than the last.

He made her feel six different types of heaven in a matter of hours, her belly still knotted up two days later as she rifles through her closet for clothes appropriate for brunch. Ben is picking her up for brunch with Poe and Finn, and she can’t help but be extremely nervous despite having met both already. Talking to them, especially when her brain is still mushy, will prove to be a challenge like none other.

Her phone vibrates on her bed and she sighs, picking out an ochre-colored spaghetti strap dress. She answers the call and throws it on speaker.

“Hey sweetheart, I’m outside.”

She nods to herself and says, “Okay, I’ll be out in a few minutes. I slept in.”

“Hate sleeping in. I’ll be waiting in the car for you.” Then he hangs up and Rey starts getting dressed, pulling the dress over her head and adjusting the top so it sits just right over her chest.

Then she storms to the bathroom and sweeps her products into a makeup bag, throwing it in her purse and then shuffling out of the bathroom. She slides on sneakers and then shucks her bag over her shoulder. Thank god her door got fixed so it actually locks again, and there’s extreme satisfaction in locking it again.

She walks down the stairwell and out to the parking lot where Ben is idling in his BMW. She gets into the car, smiling bright. He’s wearing a black sweater and jeans, totally contrary to Texas heat that's beginning to creep onto the city. She leans over the console and kisses his cheek, watching his eyes shut from the corner of her gaze.

Then Rey pulls away and Ben says, “Hello to you too.”

She feels her cheeks warm up as the car rolls forward and Ben looks either way before smoothly pulling into traffic.

He doesn’t hesitate to cut to the chase, “I need to talk to you about something.” 

Her stomach flips and she squeaks, “Yeah?” What could she have done wrong?

He starts, “You know I love you lots, right?”

She nods and he continues, “I was looking up your school’s counseling policy and learned that you have six free sessions of counseling available for you to use per semester. Did you know you could use that?”

It rings a bell but quite honestly, she’s never thought to use her school as a mental health tool. It usually harmed her health. She shakes her head with her tail seemingly tucked between her legs so she doesn’t get in trouble. He says, “I think maybe it would be a good idea to try out counseling.”

She nods and can’t necessarily disagree. She can express her worries though, “I won’t be able to go during the summer, and that’s usually my crisis point.” She’s self aware enough to realize that the dog days of summer are a drag for her.

Ben bites his lip and she says it before he can, “You’re not paying for it.” 

Private therapy costs so much and she’s not willing to have him spend that much on her mental health. The medication without insurance would kill him financially, like most in the country.

He then asks, “Can you promise me something?”

“Depends.”

“Can you let me help you before you really drown? Because I have a feeling that your little bouts of depression you’ve had before aren’t the worst thing you’ve experienced.” He would be correct about that.

Rey struggles with it, but she allows, “I’ll try.”

Because she will try for someone like him.

* * *

They arrive at brunch five minutes late because Rey puts on her makeup in the car, and he knows Poe won’t mind.

The nagging to have talking time with her hit its peak last week when Ben scheduled the damn brunch. Poe wouldn’t shut the fuck up about wanting to meet his boyfriend’s classmate, so Ben delivers like a good Dom.

They arrive at Snooze and Finn and Poe are already seated at a booth indoors. He holds Rey’s hand as he walks her to the booth. Poe exclaims, “Hello to the both of you. Rey, ochre is your color.” 

_ Kiss-ass.  _ Ben slides into the booth and Rey slides next to him, cheeks already red. He knows he potentially rocked the boat in the car by requesting she head to therapy for professional help, but he’s doing it because he loves her. He wants her to feel better and to develop coping skills beyond him.

He’s willing to pay for her insurance, he’s willing to buy her medication, he’s willing to pay her therapist if that means she’ll feel better and develop coping skills. Sure, Ben isn’t the most perfect person either, but he likes to think his shit is together just a little bit.

But he gets the hesitation of accepting his offer; the shame that accepting help could bring about. Finn interrupts his thought loop, “So Rey, did you understand anything the study group went over on Thursday?” 

She looks shaken too and quickly shrugs, “A little. I can help you out if you want to meet up tomorrow at the library or something.”

Finn nods, “That would be fantastic, thanks.” She nods enthusiastically and grips for Ben’s hand underneath the table. She manages to capture it and pull it into her lap, holding tight. 

He lets her hold his hand and looks at Poe. “Do you know how my expense reports are coming, I need them before I go back to Manhattan-“

Rey interrupts, “You’re going to Manhattan?” He sort of understands her shock and surprise; he keeps his trips to two days and under the radar. He doesn’t blame her for looking at him like that.

He explains, “Yeah, I have to check on my other startups.” She looks a little worried, hand ejecting from his to wring with her other one. 

Ben tries to skate past it and luckily the waitress comes by. Rey hands over her ID for a Bloody Mary, and he’s partial to splitting a mimosa pitcher with Poe. He can tell he’s done something wrong by the way she looks wounded.

He’ll get to the bottom of it.

* * *

Rey doesn’t know why Manhattan is bothering her so much. But it throws her for a huge loop that she doesn’t necessarily expect.

So much so that she nurses her Bloody Mary quicker than usual, liquor heading to her head and bypassing all sense in her looping thoughts. Why would Ben be leaving her? She knows, realistically, he’s a busy guy who has obligations somewhere but doesn’t she matter too?

Is she being irrational? Perhaps but she still feels lied to. Poe and Ben are speaking when she excuses herself, “I need to go to the restroom.” Then she gets up and walks away to the bathroom in the restaurant, dissociation taking over her limbs and head and making her feel about five feet behind her body.

She makes it into the bathroom and plops down in a stall. She puts her head between her knees, cursing the fact that she forgot her phone to text Rose for an emergency pep talk.

All she can do is sit, swallowing the lump in her throat, and wondering why the fuck she cares so much if Ben does his job.

_ Because,  _ a little voice reminds,  _ he’ll find someone else on one of these trips to Manhattan who requires less maintenance. _

Oh right, the infidelity fears. She had forgotten about those, now coming up fresh with visions of him tangled up with a blonde girl between the sheets. 

She hiccups and stands up, her equilibrium thrown off by the newest revelations that things can get much worse much quicker. Rey washes her hands, plastering on a sunny smile that feels very false in comparison to the gloomy storm happening in her mind. 

Then she exits the bathroom and runs straight into her new boyfriend and the hyper fixation of her fucked up head. Ben holds above her hips and peers at her, like trying to divine the Rosetta Stone.

“Are you alright?” God help them both for the lies she’s about to tell.

She answers, “I’m fine.”

He shakes his head, “No bullshit, Rey.”

She falters and Ben runs his fingers along her jaw. “What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head, “I can’t tell you-“

“No secrets.”

She shakes her head and sighs, “I can’t tell you.”

He begins to shake his head and Rey starts for the table yet again, but he grabs her wrist and gently pulls her back to speak to him. She pouts, crossing her arms over her chest and staring up at him.

He guesses, “Is this about Manhattan?”

She’s really a bad liar and can’t hide it so she nods. “What about it?”

“Can we go back now-“

“No. Not until you answer me.” She doesn’t like the pushiness and it shoves her towards the point of shutting down quicker than you can say “romance”. 

She whispers, “You’re making me really uncomfortable.”

“And you’re driving me bonkers by not telling me what’s wrong. Rey, it’s really simple to just tell me, okay-“

She turns around and walks away, and luckily he can’t catch up with her until she’s in view of the table again. She sits down quickly and Finn narrows his eyes at her. Does she look that out of it?

Ben stomps back to the table and plops down, crossing his arms over his chest. The anger radiates off him in waves and Rey knows she’s in deep shit.

When is she not?

* * *

Ben manages to get through brunch without blowing up.

He knows he might be irrational, he might be pushing Rey far too much on the subject but he deserves to know what he did wrong. Doesn’t he get a chance to fix it in an ideal world?

He’s effectively made brunch into a shitshow by steaming the entire time, and he can see Finn and Poe watching her with pity. Ben must be the unstable one now, which is laughable. He has his shit together, that much is true.

“I’ll make sure those expense reports get to you.”

Poe interrupts his fishing for his keys, having walked them to the car. Finn and Rey talk a few feet away, in low voices that he can’t hear. His voice is bitter, “Thanks.”

Poe says then, “Go easy on her, okay?”

“If I knew what I had to go easy on.” She’s usually so open and forward with him that this makes him so angry. 

“You know that every time you fight with a partner, you get this wounded pup look on your face. It’s how I knew you and Bazine were on the rocks more than not.” Ah, that name hasn’t been mentioned in a while. He wonders why Poe would bring up his ex-girlfriend from three years ago to prove a point but it pisses him off enough to find his keys.

“Rey let’s go.” 

She bids farewell to Finn and Ben still has the decency to hold her door open. Rey sighs and gets in, letting him slam it. Poe says, “See you when you get back.” 

He nods, before getting in the driver’s side of the car and not even focusing for a wink on Rey. He starts the car and watches Poe and Finn walk away, hand in hand. “I don’t see why you won’t just tell me.”

Rey is silent and he glances out the window, wishing he could run into traffic right now for even opening up the conversation. There’s no reason to think like that, unhealthy as hell. He whispers, “I’m not going to hurt you, I promise.”

“You never told me about Manhattan before.” 

He doesn’t drive yet, knowing he needs a clear head for this. “I thought that maybe it would scare you if I was out of state for more than two days.” 

She nods, “Well you’re right.”

He sighs, “I can’t bring you. I just can’t.”

“I wasn’t going to ask for that.” 

Ben asks, “Then what do you need, honey? Tell me what I can do.”

She asks, “What did you use to do when I didn’t know you were out of town?”

He replies, “Text you like normal. Nothing changes, Rey. I’m just out of state, and I miss you when I am.” He adjusts the air conditioning, fiddling with the fan so it doesn’t blow directly on him. 

She admits, “I don’t know what I need, I just know I can’t stop you and I’d much rather start fresh when you get back.” 

He raises a brow, “Start fresh?”

She shakes out her hair and says, “Like...forget this conversation ever happened. I’d really like that.”

He snorts, then throwing the car into drive.

He says only a few words, “Fat chance that I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouch :/
> 
> thoughts and feelings welcome at [twitter](https://twitter.com/dankobah)
> 
> chapter title is inspired by ["the king" by conan gray](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqlV7oQhVmw)
> 
> [ochre dress](https://www.thereformation.com/products/parke-dress?color=Ochre)


End file.
